Rich’s Blog de Sexy

Allllrighty then, it’s been two solid months, and after seeing and hearing my friends reaction when I went to Brians for ’standing room only’ Celtics night, I think I’m on the right path.  Brian, (my shorter but significantly more creative and talented friend) is convinced that if I keep at this diet the way I’m going, I’ll be “unrecognizable” by my wedding.  I hope not.  Seriously, if I show up at my wedding and nobody know’s I’m the groom, I’m going to be very confused and frustrated that I’d have to show everyone my 5th nipple just to prove it’s me.  

So I show up to Brians apartment, and it’s like Temptation Island for dieting fatties.  Pizza, beer, potato salad, chips…to be honest, it didn’t really effect me all too much.  Sure, sure, I played it off as if I wasn’t looking at that table of food like a buxom Swedish massuer who just informed me that the happy ending will be free of charge.  But I wanted that happy ending…I wanted that happy ending in my stomach.  No, wait…that didn’t sound right.  Ok, well, it made me wish I ate something before I went over to Brians, but I kept drinking water so I wouldn’t think about the fatty maker feast on the table in front of me.  “You’re just thirsty, you’re just thirsty” hahahaa. 

Besides that, I haven’t really be tempted to cross over that line again.  I’ve kept with my “chicken/lettuce and whatever else isn’t full of carbs/sugars” lunch.  But it’s become a bit easier.  If there’s nothing that I can have at any of the cooking stations, I can make a plate of lettuce, and the chef there will grill me up some chicken, and sometimes bacon.  It’s like having my own mediocre meal chef.  Matter of fact, maybe I’ll start my own show on the food network, called “Mediocre Chef” and I’ll go from office to office, cooking meals that aren’t that great.  Like chicken with a basil leaf dropped on it after it’s cooked in no spices, and just a touch overdone.  It’ll be good enough where people won’t complain, but not quite good enough for any type of positive feedback.  “Up next, fried hamburger on a plate.”  I can hear the money machine starting up right now.

I’ve decided not to ever ask for questions again, and just be content with the fact that people take time out of their days to read my nonsensical ramblings about trying not to be a fat mess.  Speaking of fat mess, I believe I may have dropped down a couple categories in the “fatty meter”.  Everyone knows what the fatty meter is.

Chubby
Husky
Fat
Real Fat
Holy crap
Skin meshed with the couch that you haven’t left in 8 years.

I’ve gone from “Holy crap” to somewhere between “Fat” and “Real fat”  BUT not getting those, “How does he NOT smell like shit” looks is quite refreshing.  By the time my wedding comes around, with any luck, and if I keep at it, I’ll be right back at my high school size….”Husky”. 

So, with 2 months down, and a little less than 4 to go, I feel I’m making progress.  Yesterday was about 80 degrees with high humidity, so it was a good guage of how hot the summer’s going to be.  Now I understand that it’s going to be much hotter at times, but it was helpful.  I now realize I need more ‘airy’ shorts, and a sleeveless ‘tough guy’ shirt if I’m going to last during the hot days.   Also, if I’m at where I’d like to be at, come September, I will be playing semi-pro football.  No excuses, if I can quit cigarettes, and drop hundreds of pounds, I can join some raggedy football team and stick to it.  So ya, that’s it, come September this new husband will be reborn in the glow of semi-professional American Football.  See you in a week.

“You lost a midget”
-Marc Lehane

It’s probably true.  Those damn lil guys must weigh, what…like 20 lbs each?

Wait…let me google that…

Ok, so f googling it, I’m going to assume that they weigh about 60 lbs each.   Give or take the meaty lil fingers and toes weigh more than they look.  Well, I’m smoothly coasting along the diet wave with the accuracy and determination of a drug free professional surfer.  Cuz the druggies don’t have that motivation, they just like surfin.  I dont’ just like being on a diet, I want to beat this diet until it’s my filthy little bitch.  And I am.  I’ve lived on a “chicken and lettuce” lunches, ever since I found out that feta had sugar in it.  I can’t F with sugar, messes up the ketosis.  (Stops burning fat, and starts focusing on burning the sugar) 

So I went to Our House again this past weekend (Friday) for game 6 of the Celtics/Cavs series.  This was the location where I had my first Jack/Water (the Artie Lang special).  So I felt it necessary to stick to my newfound go to.  About 5 rounds in, I realized…no, my friends, who just witnessed me drink these Jack/Waters like they were the cure for Aids and I was Magic Johnson, realized that I may need something with a bit more substance.  So we call the waitress over and I have a small discussion trying to find out which was the best for my Atkins diet.  It turns out Gin & Tonic was a solid choice.  So I went with that for the rest of the night.  Turned out to be a good choice because I ended up sleeping with 5 girls that night.  Angela was at her Moms so I knew my bed wasn’t being used…but it would be!! 

So I’m in bed with two Brazilian chicks and a Chinese lady.  She was a lady because she only enjoyed the missionary position. 

So I kicked that chick OUT!!  LATER!!  Time for me to get my doggy style on!! 

**Dream sequence end**

Whatever, it could have happened.  Anyway, after that I went over to Brians house because his apartment contained better mariju…wee…televisions than what Ryan was offering me.   What a great way to end off the night a few hi….tv shows, and a smile.  Of course the most difficult part of the evening, was watching my friends enjoy those delicious burgers with their crosscut french fries, and their carbs and grease.  Stupid skinny, healthy jerks. 

The Celtics may have lost that specific game, but they won the series.  My friend Ryan said that night (and yes, I’m going to quote him) “If the Celtics lose this game…they will NOT beat Detroit.”  I think he said that because he’s going to be on the road for that series, so it’s more of wishful thinking then a premonition.

Anyway, that’s my lil update on my major weight loss.  I think I’ll post a picture sometime soon, I rocked my Cobra shirt to work today.  (the one Bouff got me for mah burfdae)  And it fits perfectly.  2 full shirt sizes different than when I started.  Oh, and those pants I bought, that were a lil smaller than my originals…are already getting a bit large in the waist area.  So who knows, you may get the “I can shop at normal people stores” post sooner rather than later.  And one more thing before I talk about the awesome haikus…someone was ‘nice’ enough to ask me a question like I requested.  Here’s the question, and my response:

What’s does it mean to be happy?
-anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You owe me an apology for such horrendous english.  Unless you’re one of the Brazilian bikini models I had intercourse with last Friday when Angela was at her mothers, you have no excuse.  :P  To be happy, anonymous, means you have what you need, and can obtain what you want.  Or it means you just found out that tumor is benine, and that blotch on your skin is just a rash.  Either way, happiness is what you make it. 

Sincerely,
Rich

On a side note, Steve asked that I post the Jon Lester Haiku’s that my friends (aka my blog readers) and I shared this morning in the wake of Jon Lesters no-hitter.  (Jon Lester = Next Chuck Norris)

S. Graham:
Let’s give Lester AIDS
So he’ll find the cure and then
pitch a perfect game

J. Tilton:

R. Hutchings:

That’s right, I have new, tighter slacks, and a shirt 1 size smaller….but I could have gone 2 sizes!  I’d tell you what size I am, but I don’t want you all to feel bad about yourselves.  FINE, if you must know, I’m a boys extra-medium.  Hahahah, I totally pwnd you, there is no boys extra medium, stupid!  Anywho, I went out this past weekend with Angeler, and purchased myself some new trousers and a new t-shirt.  The trousers were 2 sizes down, of course I could have gone with the next size down, but I’m not trying out for an 80’s cover band, and just because they button at the top, doesn’t mean they look good all the way down.  So I went with a lil larger size.  Now, granted, I know the size difference is comparable to taking a cup of water out of the ocean and expecting people to notice the change, but screw you guys, I notice.  hahaaa.  (<– That’s me laughing) 

I went shopping last week, and stumbled across a product that made me smile like a special needs kid with a light up yo-yo.  I found Ketchup, with 1g of carbs, and 1g of sugar.  Now, I’m not sure how many out of the 6 people reading this, love Ketchup with your burgers, but imagine eating a burger with just cheese, no bun.  Yeah, how important is that Ketchup now?  So ok, I sprung a lil wood, as I tossed that bad boy into the shopping cart.  That’s right, I’m a true G.

This past Saturday, I was a timer at the BMW Car Club of America “Evolution Driving School.”   My boss asked me to, and said they pay $85, so I figured, WOOHOO, easy money, which it was.  But I have a new hatred for spoiled little boys, BMW’s, Miata’s, Mercedes’, Subaru’s, BMW’s and BMW’s.  I mean, why don’t the guys just stand in a circle with a cookie in the middle and smack around each other’s rods when they talk about their cars.   Not only that, but it’s not like they’d have full on conversations, because clearly, they’re too awesome to care about the other person.  Just feeding each others ego’s douche cookies is all.

“Hey man, you hit that turn right.” 
“Yup, popped the clutch on my BEAST and it coasted right on in there.” 
“I hear that.” 
“Yup.” 
“Yup.”

Nope.  I just kept picturing brick walls after there 3rd turn.  I imagined that it’d be impossible for them to expect it, because it’s around a blind corner you see.  So they’d hit that turn and in my head it’s “BAM!!!” guys body goes flying out of the car and past my “timer spot,” into the driving line of another car, sending that car careening into the group of yuppie spectators and their $80,000 cars.  Ahhh, to dream. 

But as usual, my diet’s going well.  I stick to it like a crackhead sticking to a crack regiment.  Which I assume has to be pretty strict.  I’m going for my walk every day, and now walking even more.  Just doing little things, here and there, I figure it’ll add up eventually.  My flag football team (The Angry Pirates) remains undefeated (5-0) with 2 games tomorrow night.  I haven’t touched a beer since this diet started, but have recently found out that vodka, bourbon, whiskey, scotch and gin are all OK for me to drink.  So, this summer’s drunken nights should be very interesting.  But, that’s basically it from me this week. 

I’d like to try something new, next week.  This is a friggin stretch, I know, but if you have some questions, please put them in the comment section of this blog, and I’ll respond to them next week.  I doesn’t HAVE to be about the diet, but I mean, I don’t know the meaning of life, and stuff like that.  Of course, I do know every constillation in the sky, by heart.  So yeah, questions, if you got em.  See you next week Dick fans.

Alright, I’m beginning to see differences.  First off, I’m not gonna sugar coat this in any way, I can get an unobstructed view of my manhood again.  Not only that, but my belt is almost to the point where I need a new one.  Angela says I need a new belt anyway, but a real sexy man like myself, doesn’t buy new belts until at least 10 inches has been dropped.  You’re probably (not) asking yourself “doesn’t the belt have notches?”  Nope.  I got one of the kind that uses those buckles…with the thing that just kinda catches.  Like a window blind.  Anyway, it’s almost wrapped around to my back.  Which is a good thing.  Crazy insane results will come, I can only assume, in time. 

I’ve been sticking to this thing perfectly, and at the same time have been eating some of the best meals I’ve had in a long time.  Angela and I came up with our own surf & turf, which is (for me) Rib eye steak & 1/2 of a piece of scrod, (for Angela) a tenderloin, and 1/2 piece of scrod.  It’s a delicious combination.  I officially walked approximately 30 miles for the first month of my diet.  I expect to keep that pace as the heat increases.  I’m sure a 1.6 mile walk in 50 degree’s is significantly easier than a 1.6 mile walk in 88 degree humid weather.  But, I shall continue on.

This past week, I had to fight through a pretty serious case of the gout.  My ankle was as red as a baboons ass, and the size of…a…babooons ass.  It was painful.  BUT, with the help of 5 cherries a day (keeping safely under the 20g of carbs/day guideline (5 cherries = approx. 8g carb, 6g sugar) the cherries stop the onset of the Gout).  I made each walk that week.  I did NOT, however, make it out with my friends this past weekend.  My ankle wouldn’t allow me to use my clutch in my Jeep in Boston traffic.  At that point the pain was so severe, that my ankle wins, hands down.  I still have some pain in my ankle, but that’s probably because I had red meat.  Either way, with being on the atkins diet, and balancing the gout is a tightrope walk.  On one side, I got to eat pretty much nothing but meats, on the other, if I eat too much meat the gout enflames, and I become a waste of humanity for a couple of days.  Like I said…it’s a tightrope walk, but I’m workin on it. 

I’m trying on old shirts that I kept because of the “I’ll fit into em eventually” attitude.  And I’ll be damned if I don’t fit into a couple of em.  Sure, sure, there’s a couple more that need a lil stretching, and I can get into them.  But there are a couple that ligitimately fit.  So, pretty much, this atkins thing isn’t a sham.  It’s working well, and I’m not on edge like when I quit smoking cigarettes.  20 carbs, no sugars, per day, and I’ll be a slim, trim sexy judgemental jackass.  More to come.

Ketosis, it’s what makes this whole Atikins thing work. See, your body stops storing the carbs as fat, and just starts burning off the fat already in your body. So this is going to end up being a long process. I’ve been preparing for the Ice Age for the past 28 years of my life, and just realized, I don’t really have to worry about the Ice Age. I saw the movie with the elephant thing, and the squirrel thing, I know how to survive. (kill elephant and squirrel) Regardless, this week I took a “ketosis test” which is very similar to a pregnancy test, only I didn’t pray that it came back negative. So I pee on this stick thing, and it turns out my body is in full ketosis! Which is a good thing. I think skipping the Beer Summit was in my best interest for certain.

Angela introduced me to all of the random blogs about the amazing stories of people who lost all this weight on the Atkins diet. Well, the one I read, I related to. The guy describes how, as he got larger, his pessimism grew and energy diminished. So instead of thinking, “I’ll go for a walk.” he thought (and myself for a while) “Who needs to walk? I got a car.” Which as odd as it may seem, was the only means of convincing that I needed to skip walks, games, and everything but meals. But, those days are done, as now I find myself convincing…myself that a nice walk in the sun could be just the thing a pale tubby boy needs to get his skin to a perfect bronze for when his stomach automatically forms a 6 pack at the conclusion of his dieting. (not really a conclusion, more of a cool off period, where I can eat a slice of pizza or sumn…you know…get crazy.)

Angela says that I’m already losing weight. I can’t tell, I still don’t have a scale. Plus, how much does a scale that can weigh cars cost? Couldn’t I just go to the tractor trailer weigh stations and do that on a weekly basis? Stand behind an 18 wheeler, and wait. Just freak out the weigh in guys. Eh, the way I see it, the day I can go on a normal scale and weigh myself, is the day I know I’m losing serious weight. Of course, by then, I’m sure I’d see some physical changes, but regardless, let’s just assume my vision of myself is so horrible, that the weigh in would be the only time I see positive results. Anywho, things are on track, I’m sticking to this diet still, and I finally have allergies. As crappy as they may be, I associate the allergies with a reverse tolerance for the pollen around you. So the silver lining is, I’m now outside, doing stuff, long enough to have the pollen effect my allergies. (which I’ve never had before) Sure, sure, I already hate these allergies, but that’s what Claritin’s for.

Next step in this diet is to start using my CarbSmart daily vitamins, and FiberOne something or other. I’m not going to get into the filthy details, but trust me, Fiber is definitely necessary with this diet. You know what, here’s my attempt at PG-13′ing this topic.

Size of the craps before I was on the Atkins diet.

Size of a crap on the Atkins diet.

You get the point. Anywho, besides the physical changes, I feel heathier, more energy, blah blah blah. So far it’s working. Hopefully I’ll be seeing some visible changes in my physique sooner, rather than later. Either way, I’m makin mah wayyyy, the only way I know how. That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow.

YEEEEEEEEEHAW!!

Alrighty, so here’s my 1st week diet update. I believe that I already surpassed my previously held “longest diet that I stuck to” record. Which would have been 2 days, and 4 pizza commercials. Damn you Rustic Pizza, damn you!! Regardless, I’m reading the labels on the back of products, on a consistant basis, and sticking to the Atkins plan to a T. Here’s what I’ve learned about the Atkins diet so far. The food you can eat is good food, but the food you can’t eat tastes better. I never realized how many calories, carbs and stuff were in the foods I was eating. I mean, yes, I realized that when I ordered my Fettucini Alfredo, that I might as well have been eating a container of Crisco, but it tastes so good!

Meh, that’s the past now. My present and future interactions with those dishes will be one of fond memories, and avoidance. I’m sorry pasta, I’m sorry. I started my walks again yesterday. 1.6 miles during lunch, and today I’ll do it after work. That’s 3.2 miles for the week. That’s 2.9 miles further than I walked in all of 2006.

Flag football starts up again tomorrow, and I can’t be more excited. Well, I’m sure if I had High School senior cheerleaders wake me up a few mornings a week with a hearty cheer and a group HJ, I’d be more excited than I am about Flag Football. Regardless, it’s always fun playing with this group of guys. I’ve been playing with them for almost as long as I’ve been using heroin. Ok, ok, I’m not on heroin, but you get it, we’ve been together for a while. Last season, when I started walking at the end of fall (good timing douche!) I was also playing flag football. But the difference when I played this time, was that I ran all over the place. It was one of the first times ever (even at this size) I felt like I could play a full game, at about 3/4 speed. Hopefully this season will progress with the end of my “Jerome Bettis’ last years” syndrome. Which is when he only came in on short down situations…because he’s slow, and so am I…for now!

But, all in all, the diet’s going very well. I’m only drinking water, and eating the proper amounts of food regulated by the Atkins diet. Granted, I’m getting cranky at times, but that’s only because I’m still quitting smoking, I’m on this diet, and I’m trying to help plan my wedding. It’s a lil crazy, but for some reason, I thrive off of hectic times. 2008 so far, has been the most transitional year in my life. I guess it’s a good thing.

Anywho, now that that’s over. Here’s my latest lil photoshop project I felt like working on. Hopefully copyright isn’t an issue because I’m not making JACK SH*T off of this picture. Haha. Enjoy, I call it “The Quite Storm” or “You’re All Effed”

So, I’ve finally decided to get out of my handsomely overweight and single phase, and move onto phase…like…20 of my life. I’m gonna call it the “handsomely NOT SO overweight, and MARRIED phase.” This is the part of my life, where I decide that I’m going to settle down with Angela. Due to this upcoming “Marriage” (September 20th) I now feel the need to make myself smaller. Sure, sure, it was ok for the drinking pictures, and the camping pictures, to be a bigger fella. But on my wedding, our bridal, and groom parties are going to be very good looking people. VERY good looking. Granted, I know it seems egotistical, even superficial, but I’m being honest. Let me explain. All of my friends, are good looking people. Well…most of them, but they’re all in better shape than I am. Which, all in all, doesn’t take much effor….ok, let me rephrase that again, it doesn’t take ANY effort. So I’ve decied to document my newfound efforts to change my body type from ‘morbidly obese’ right down to ’sanely hefty.’

Oh yeah…

I got about 6 months to do it in. So, I’ll be honest on my blog, and keep…myself and the other 2 readers up to date with my assumed weight loss. Because I don’t feel like trying to search for a scale to weigh myself on. And trust me, it’d be a hell of a search. This started about a week ago. That’s when we set the date, and the diet. I’m sure Angela will have NO problem dropping the weight. She has incredible will power when she wants to. But me…let’s just say will power’s not my strong suit. I mean, I’ve already found myself verbally shouting “ooh” when I saw a pizza on TV the other day. So this is gonna take some hard work. (Angela immediately shouted “NOOOOO!” after my “ooh” outburst. Thank you.)

As of right now, the only carbs I had this week were from a bowl of ice cream. But that’s it. I’ve only been drinking water, and coffee. Now, according to this diet, I’m not supposed to drink coffee. Well, that guy that wrote the book on the diet didn’t take into effect a repititious job, and the 3 o’clock desire for a nap. So the coffee stays. I’m starting this diet, honestly, weighing in around 4+ bills. I know, I know, how did I get this big? Let me tell you, 8 years of what I call “stoner couch syndrome.” It’s pretty self explanatory. I’m going to try to get a picture of me now, and add it to this blog. I’ll do this weekly, and see if there’s any progress. If there’s no progress, the last photo you’ll see of me will involve a noose, and a broken horizontal beam in someones basement.

That’s it for now, updates to come.

Ok, so it wasn’t even good Friday before I got the oddest bit of Easter info I think I’ll ever get. Yesterday, I found out, from an unnamed source, that my mother is “considering inviting me over for Easter dinner.” CONSIDERING! I lose her camera, and I’m out of the family? This all coming from the woman who actually enjoyed me coming over for holidays, when Eddie, Kim and Stevie weren’t there. You know, her new family. But get this….it gets even more fucking insane! My mom, is convinced (told from same source) that I attempted to poison her with the box of chocolates I got her on her birthday. That’s right everyone, my evil scheme is finally all falling together. I also got her Two and a Half Men, Season 1. Which I’m sure she’s terrified is just a dvd of a bunch of scenes that are known to cause epileptic siezures, if she even knows what an epileptic siezure is. I also got her a Jason Varitek Red Sox shirt, which I’m sure she thinks has flesh eating bugs all over it.

So here’s the rundown for those who have forgotten.
1) My mother is considering having me over for dinner.
2) My mother thinks I attempted to poison her using a box of chocolates I got her for her birthday.

It gets better. Bobby, my stepfather, is CONVINCED that I purposely lost their camera. He probably thinks I threw it in some GOOOOORGE somewhere.

So anyway, I go over to my mom’s house to get my brother and his girlfriend out of the house for a while. I go in, and she’s trying to fix her laptop…again. I begin discussing the lost camera issue. Now, realize, that my discussion is “I’ll get you a better camera, then the one you had.” And hers is “I want the same EXACT camera I had, I don’t cayah if it’s obsolete.” So you can see, we’re dealing with a rational person. Now this is funny because, after my argument, well versed and logical. She has the balls, WHILE she, my brother, and I are fixing her laptop, new desktop computer, and talking about her lost digital camera, to say “I want MY camera because…” now prepare yourself “I’M OLD FASHIONED!!!”

OLD FUCKING FASHIONED!??! WE’RE WORKING ON YOUR FUCKING COLLECTION OF NEW TECHNOLOGY, AND YOU TELL ME YOU’RE OLD FUCKIGN FASHIONED?!?!! WHAT THE HELL!?!? I mean, sure, I kinda brushed it off when you refused to switch to a cable modem, even though in the longrun it’ll save you money. And sure I brushed it off, when you guys refused to just get a new car instead of 3 HDTV’s, 8 Karaoke Machines, 4 Slot machines, 2 hot tubs, 2 Grills and 2 MORE karaoke machines. But POISONING you, and purposely LOSING your OLD FUCKING FASHIONED DIGITAL CAMERA?! WHAT?!?!!?!  I’ve come to the total, and complete realization, that my mother, and my step father are irrational, self absorbed, diluded, escaped mental patients.

F’n Easter, it gets suckier and suckier every single year.

Well, they say Haiku’s are good for the soul, and give you better mental results than yoga.  Plus, you don’t look like a complete…um…hey Joe!  Forgot you knew how to read there for a second.  Eh, ok.  So here’s the deal.  I’m a moron and didn’t keep up with Haiku Wednsday blog transferring.  Sorry if I’ve been dealing with the loss.  (of the Super B….Super B….I can’t say it)  Here are the Haikus, pictures included. (when necessary)

J. Tilton -
Dick forgot how
important Haiku Wednesday
is to all of us

R. Hart -
I can not believe
Dick forgot Haiku Wednesday
Now I am crying

J. Tilton -
I tried to score a
date on the internet once
Crazyblinddate.com sucks

Topics from 1/16/08:
The Fonz vs. Uncle Jesse
Things you wear on your feet
People that name their kids crap like “Destiny, or Nevaeh”
Phoenix Rivers, River Phoenix and Rivers Cuomo
Guns N Roses cover bands (not just about the band, also about the show)
Milli Vanilli
Triple Fat Goose Jackets

S. Graham -
River Phoenix thought
that only the good die young
Brad Renfro agreed

J. Tilton -
Once there was a fight
Fonzie versus Uncle Jesse
“Ay, ay” “have mercy”

K. McLaughlin -
Raiders TFG
My dad made me return it
Because I am white

R. Hart -
On Dick’s HJ list
Uncle Jesse is top five
The Fonz, only ninth

D. Hutchings -
during the summer
socks make my feet too hot
i wear childrens skulls

J. Tilton -
Milli Vanilli
had to lipsync all their songs
too much cock sucking

Thoughts from S. Graham -
I don’t know if this fits any themes, but I was just lamenting on how badly out of shape I am:

smoking weed is bad
for my heart, but quitting would
certainly break it

D. Hutchings -
Be careful Steven
When you write about ganja
Joe makes you feel bad

S. Graham -
I’m Steve with a V
Or Stephen with a P H
Get my name right, Dick

D. Hutchings -
I don’t really care
I’m trying to protect you
Pussy with a P.

J. Tilton -
My caustic haiku
about Dick’s weed addiction
really struck a nerve

D. Hutchings -
It’s a bad habit
like only wearing pink shirts
to pizza parlors

Bouff’s Contributions -
Why did Jesse get
way more punan than the Fonz?
I’m flabbergasted.
 
Milli Vanilli
One of them is dead and gone
He had the High 5

B. Fitzgerald -
Microsoft Outlook
Has sh!t the bed yet again
No e-mails all day

HEY LOOK, IT’S JIMMY!! -

Hey,
I have some off topic haikus for you to post

Lost cell Phone:
You found my phone why
Did you answer my text ? I
Hope you get herpes

Douchebag who doesn’t shovel:
Shoveled 2 hours
Civic took my spot day 1
Keyed side will rust now

Ok, this next section is very tough for me to post.  This weekend that followed these incredible haikus was horrible.  Horrible I say.

Topics from 1/30/2008:
We all live in a vending machine world, and I’m a vending machine girl….

WAIT!!!

That reminds me, IT’S HAIKU WEDNESDAY!!!!

OK, here are the topics:

Most obscure vending machine advertisement, using haiku.  (make up a vending machine)
The ***** Bowl
Eli Manning infecting kids with aids (or effecting, depending on if you listen to T&R on bcn)
What the pig (our dinner on Sunday) is doing/thinking, right now
How much you miss Dito
Horseriding Jesus
Horseriding Jesus vs Eli Manning in a joust, riding pigs.

M. Lehane -
Jesus on a horse
Right through the stupid hick’s heart
Eli Manning is dead

B. Fitzgerald -
For ten dollars less
We get pig, mallet and knife
Way more fun this way

HEY LOOK, IT’S JIMMY!! -
Do I Miss DiTo ?
“Absolutely !” So much that
I “weep” every day

Cowboy boots and hat
No saddle, he rides bareback
He just lanced Eli

Off topic but i think it applies
 
Productivity
Not gonna happen today
It’s Haiku Wednesday

What’s that Marc? -
I meant to send this to you last week
 
Cream before sugar
Yo I don’t know, damn yo
I am so damn high

J. Tilton -
Eli Manning once
gave The AIDS to Rachel Ray
Damn I miss Dito

COMBO POINTS FOR Mr. TILTON!!!!!

S. Graham -
riding bareback and
lancing Eli:  sounds rather
homosexual

R. Hart -
I call this one “Pigs”

DiTo used to bring
home some girls more suited for
roasting on the grill

J. Tilton - (I wish this were true)
Eli Manning has
AIDS, Cancer, and herpes too
God hates the Giants

S. Graham -
Each Wednesday all my
Co-workers wonder why I
Count on my fingers

R. Hart -
If Eli Manning
Gave AIDS to Uncle Jesse
Dick would be crying

D. Hutchings (in response to R. Hart) -
Uncle Jesse rules
He wouldn’t talk to Eli
I can’t believe you would even say such a thing, Uncle Jesse did NOTHING to you!!  WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!!  Uncle Jesse’s a GOOD MAN!

M. Lehane -
You know what I like?
Neither do I, but it’s not
A Manning brother, they’re gay

J. Tilton -
Many hot chicks in
yoga class, reach nirvana
with a big boner
S. Graham -
A Dick that’s crying
out of One Eye is just a
Man Urinating

R. Hart -
He could also be
Climaxing like I do with
All of your mothers

Joe is stepping up to the podium:
This is Gino:

He is a hilarious individual.  They show him on the jumbotron at Celtics games.  He is Ryan’s real father.  Got it?  Now write Haiku about it.

R. Hart -
“Dad, you dance funny”
“I know, it gets me the chicks”
“Can you teach me?” “No”

J. Tilton -
Gino filled Denise
with his romance explosion
I just crossed the line

D. Hutchings -
Dad, why’d you name me
Ryan, instead of Gino?
Because I hate you.

Topics from 2/6/2008:
Valentines Day card messages for XXXXX (XXXX can be anything i.e. midgets, jews, whatever!))
Putting Babies in Microwaves
What a rainy day means to you…if you’re homeless.
Wheelchairs stuck in the snow

A NEW IDEAR I HAD!!
Start out the haiku with:
Elvis was racist

M. Lehane -
Elvis was racist
He hated Jews, but gave them
Valentine’s day cards

COMBO, M. LEHANE!!!

M. Lehane -
Happy Valentines
Can you smell my junk down there?
You little midget

J. Tilton -
Be my Valentine?
You won’t regret it at all
I love you Richie!

R. Hart -
Cooking a baby
In the microwave makes sense
If you are on meth

J. Tilton -
Elvis was racist
He stole rock music from Blacks
He died while pooping

M. Lehane -
You’re kitchen’s flooded
So is all your other shit
Because you’re homeless

BouFF -
Temple of Doom.  WOW
Molderam took people’s hearts
Gave for Valentine’s.

D. Hutchings -
Sucks bout the cancer
Happy valentines day though
You are gonna die
 
Joe Tilton my love
Awkward writing this to you
See you after work
 
Elvis was racist
Spat his aids on jews, with pride
Not a nice person

R. Hart -
Elvis was racist
He didn’t like Marc Lehane
Wait, Marc isn’t black

M. Lehane -
That’s fair enough though
No one likes that Marc Lehane
I think he’s racist.

J. Tilton -
Poor li’l Jimmy Keith
while holding his new baby
tore his ACL

M. Lehane -
Could’ve happened too
I think he once tore that thing
When typing too fast

D. Hutchings -
I hear Marc Lehane
Drowns young chicks in aruba
Then blames Van Der Snoot

D. Hutchings -
Help I’m Jimmy Keith
ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh ahhh achooooo
Time for surgery

K. McLaughlin -
No more getting stuck
I have built a hover chair
Called the Handicraft

J. Tilton -
I saw a woman
fall out of her wheelchair, then
I saw Dick rape her

R. Hutchings -
To me it’s not rape
It’s the price she had to pay
Should have had snow tires

K. McLaughlin -
Look at this neat card
I made it for you, my love
Guess what? That’s not glue

J. Tilton -
I gave a card to
your mom for Valentine’s Day
thanking her for sex

B. Fitzgerald goes off topic! -
Out of ten urinals
Some douche bag stands next to me
Can’t muster a pee

M. Lehane -
Happy V-day man
Remember having a home?
Elvis hated you

M. Lehane -
Was something special
About that urinal, snuck
a look at your junk

B. Fitzgerald -
The back of the stall said
for manly love be here: noon
Shit, I got to go.

D. Hutchings -
Was your name on it?
Are you king of the forest?!
By the way, nice pubes

BouFF -
Baby in the ‘wave
BOOM!  It will explode just like
a gremlin or egg

D. Hutchings -
You give me quarters
That I spend on bars of soap
Rain is my shower

A. Rose -
Oh golden showers
I have so much fun with you
I know you love me

D. Hutchings -
My warm golden stream
Splashes on Marcs waiting tongue
Who needs Sunny D?

BouFF -
OJ, purple stuff
Drink Dick’s own great Sunny Pee
Everyone enjoy

D. Hutchings -
I don’t drink the pee
I just share it with the world
One mouth at a time

K. McLaughlin -
Golden showers are
Slightly less gross than pooping
Still, use a toilet

D. Hutchings -
I take offense Kev
My stream is loved by many
And in no way gross

Now…to cross the line…
 
Soft, hot on your chest
I release with a struggle
Oops sorry I sprayed

Topic 2/13/2008:
Kev, you are correct.  It is time for yet another Haiku Wednesday.  This time, brought to you by the makers of AquaDots.
 
AquaDots the only game where the guys REALLY win!
 
 
Ok, so onto the topics.
-Roger Clemens and/or Yankees
-The old guy from the E Harmony commercials
-American Gladiators (old or new)
-Curt Schillings should….how it happened
-Barack O DRAMA!!  (Obama)

First line of haiku, this week:
Black people love me
or
White people hate me

M. Lehane -
White people hate me
I am going to be Pres.
I am Obama

K. McLaughlin -
Clemens is a fool
He said he misremembered
That is not a word

No one has the time
To make up any haikus
Boy, work really sucks

J. Keith -
Get off your soapbox
Stop wasting my tax money
Clemens did steroids

BouFF -
Barack O’Bama
He’ll be our first black pres.  YIKES!
Joe’s mom will stop him!

D. Hutchings -
black people love me
we’re both workin for the man
and hung like horses
 
Barack Obama
puffed on trees with homies
now he’s crazy white

S. Graham -
Obama’s Vice Pres.
Will be Mexican for a
Little insurance

M. Lehane GOES OFF!! -
Hulk Hogan hosts
Roger’s a gladiator
Well, he is juiced up

He slipped off the sink
Cranking one out to gay porn
Now he can not pitch
 
Schilling is injured
He voted for John McCain
Black people hate him.
 
Dude’s juiced up with drugs
Now he’s more popular
I mean Obama
 
Wonder wha’ happened
To good old fashioned racism
Don’t vote Obama

BouFF -
Black people love me
I rock my ballcap backwards
Dig my Timbalands

M. Lehane -
No pal you are wrong
It is for those there reasons
Black people hate you

BouFF -
White people hate Marc
He’s too urban for their tastes
They love Wayne Brady

D. Hutchings -
you never see the blacks
on eharmony commercials
dating sites for whites
 
yankees always juiced
too bad the steroids wore off
in 2004

K. McLaughlin -
Though all in good fun
Casual racism is
Getting out of hand
 
Don’t hate on Barack
The guy is a uniter
And only half black

M. Lehane -
People call you BouFF
Comic book “Captain Racism”
Was named after you
 
Black people hate you
But now that I think of it
White people hate you

Bouff -
Marc was a gangsta
Now he’s a dad with a wife
Sings Raffi at brunch.

Topics 2/20/2008:
-Brians neighbor (Cops found a ridiculous arsenal in his house. 97 knives, dozens of guns, and he was found “Balkus was distressed, wearing just a shirt and underpants while on his front porch, smoking and tapping ashes into his bare hand”)
-Lindsay Lohans noodie pix
-If you had a super power
-If pants were an option at work
-Uncle Jesse
 
First line:
I run in the nude

Ladies, I encourage you to come up with some haikus if you have the time.  Yes, even you Ryan.  

J. Tilton -
Ayyy, the guido bros
live next door to a psycho
who wants jaeger bombs?

K. McLaughlin -
Prescription drugs, check
Guns to kill zombie cows, check
T-shirt, no pants, check

J. Tilton -
Robert Frost once wrote
“Good fences make good neighbors”
Connie needs Kevlar

D. Hutchings -
all white neighborhood
David Balkus making sure
that it stays that way

R. Hart -
I’m not a lady!
You are! Wait, that’s my comeback?
Damn. I hate you guys.

M. Lehane -
Naked Lindsay pics?
She should make a video
Starring her and I

J. Tilton -
I think that movie
already exists.  It is
called “two girls, one cup.”

D. Hutchings -
If Uncle Jesse
Made a porno with Lindsay
Wait…I just finished

BouFF -
Off the topic but…
 
Look!  Marc and Raffi
made a movie together
But it’s not for kids

M. Lehane -
Hmm that’s funny
I thought that movie was shot
At your apartment

Who are you to say
that the movie with Raffi
Is off the topic

R. Hart -
I was so mad when
Lindsay’s number two missed Marc’s
mouth, and hit the rug

M. Lehane -
As it so happens
When the doo doo missed, I was
Secretly happy

D. Hutchings -
Marc and Raffi’s vid
Made me sick to my stomach
I watched it ten times

J. Tilton -
I heard that Dick, Marc,
and Raffi made a stag film
Called “No Pants At Work”

D. Hutchings -
Dick, Marc and Raffi
Did film a movie one time
Called “Three men, no lube”

R. Hart
I always thought that
Box of Sunshine was one of
Your mom’s porno films

BouFF -
If I had powers
it would be flames from these eyes
wait…that’s the Gunner

M. Lehane -
My super power    
Would enable me to
Look like someone else
 
If I had that skill
Then you guys would never know
About my old movies

BouFF -
My film has 4 stars
Sharon, Lois, Brahm, & Bouff
“The Elephant Cock”

I run in the noode,
backwards thru a cornfield. Give
me your cocktail, FRUIT!

M. Lehane -
Uncle Jesse is
Rich Hutchings crush and also
is Brian’s neighbor

I run in the noode
In my movie with Lindsay
F Uncle Jesse!

K. McLaughlin -
Uncle Jesse vs.
Richard Grieco in deathmatch
Who will Dick root for?

M. Lehane -
Doing  Rebecca
With Uncle Jesse watching us
Hey “Wake Up San Fran”!!!!!

DICK GO OFF!!! -
UNCLE JESSE WOULD
KILL YOU ALL BY LOOKING AT
YOU IF HE HEARD THIS
 
How dare you Kevin
Make me choose between idols
h.j.’s 1 and 2
 
Rebecca is pure
Like the white goo that splashes
On her pure poopshoot
 
I run in the nude
From the fridge back to the couch
I have no control
 
I run in the nude
Chasing nanas all over
STOP!  LET IT HAPPEN

BouFF -
If there are small kids
you must wear pants while working
But not at NAM-BLA

M. Lehane -
Correction, Becca
Is no longer pure I did
her right in the bum

D. Hutchings -
NOO-OOO-OOO-OO-OOO
OOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OO-O
OOOO-OO-OOO-OO-OOO

Topics 2/27/2008:
So, as you all know, it is officially Haiku Wednesday, and I am ENGORGED!!  Why are my pants so full of myself?  Because this is a very special Haiku Wednesday!!  We will have 1 MAJOR topic, and a couple lil topics.  So, without further ado, here’s the first topic:

Lil Joe’s Lil topics will be:
Springtime
Convenient store experiences
Mark ass bustas, “trick ass” bustas, mark ass tricks, trick ass marks, an…oh my god…I can’t see.  Ok, skip that topic.
Gangsta Daisuke (Matsuzaka.  I swear if you needed clarification about who Daisuke is, you’re off the list from now on)
Kevin Faulks run in with the law…over ganja.
 
First line:
Rainbows and cupcakes

BouFF -
What an awesome start!
The whole world should see this pic
Humor made me P

K. McLaughlin -
Seven Eleven
Got twenty cents change
Gave to Chili Guy

D. Hutchings -
Daisuke bows to fans
But caps fools who don’t bow back
It’s shaolin bitch, what!?!

J. Tilton -
I bring joy to tikes
with my sweet songs and whatnot
Marc buys my albums

D. Hutchings -
Lil Joe wrote a song
to explain his 3rections
in, “everything grows”
 
Rainbows and cupcakes
I offer middle school boys
I’m a catholic priest

K. McLaughlin -
Rainbows and cupcakes
Are of no value to me
I prefer puppies

S. Graham -
kevin faulk smokes the
weed.  but really, who doesn’t?
no one on this list.

HEY LOOK, IT’S JIMMY!! -
Rainbows and cupcakes
Faulk much prefers the latter
When he smokes his weed

Clare -
“Rainbows and cupcakes”?
You dudes sound like schoolgirls
Until the punchline

BouFF -
This is for all the Stonehill folks:

Rainbows and cupcakes
Are used by Pathiakas
To capture young men

J. Tilton -
Let us not forget
About our old friend The Chief
He loved the cheeba

HEY LOOK, IT’S JIMMY!! -
Kevin falk brings joints
And posse to rap concerts
 I would bring a gun

M. Lehane -
Went to buy some gas
Guy asked clerk for 5 on 2
Punched him in the junk

K. McLaughlin -
Kevin Faulk got caught
Too bad it wasn’t Rivers
I bet he would cry

BouFF -
‘Lil Joe wrote a song
’bout doin’ his lost sister
called “I Didn’t Know”

Topics 3/5/2008 -
Topics:

Worst Spring Break locations
Matthew Thomas Fitzgerald
Re-signing Randy Moss (WOOHOO!)
and…this:

 
First line this week:
One time while in jail

M. Fitzgerald -
Oh superlatives
I cherish them more and more
Matt is the greatest

D. Hutchings -
Matt loves the children
So much that he tattoo’s names
On their hairless chests

J. Tilton -
Brian brings his gay
little dog to yoga class
look how gay he is!

Happy Birthday Matt!
I baked you a cake with love
It’s full of Kind Bud

K. McLaughlin -
Happy Birthday Matt,
From your good friend James Lipton
YOU ARE A DELIGHT!

D. Hutchings -
Happy Birthday Matt
I will come over tonight
You’ll toss my salad

J. Tilton -
Detroit’s a nice place
to send your kids on spring break
if you want them dead

One time while in jail
Matt felt a strange sensation
turned to be butt rape
 
Happy Birthday Matt!
Sorry about the butt rape
it will heal in time

BouFF -
One time while in jail
Bob Ow was raped 15 times
In 10 minutes.  WOW!

Happy Birthday Matt
Mom and dad got way too drunk
You’re an accident.
 
Happy Birthday Matt
Don’t get too drunk tonight, and
make a little you.
 
Spring Break ‘39
Lew Goldberg travels abroad
1st stop: Camp @uschwitz
 
Spring Break ‘93
You’ve won a trip to Egypyt
but you’re albino!

M. Fitzgerald -
It is not butt r*pe
If it is consensual
It is just plain gay

S. Graham -
Happy Birthday Matt!
You’re very very very
very very gay!

J. Tilton -
Brian bites lip when
concentrating on yoga
and while making love

M. Lehane -
Girls gone wild, oh sweet!
Too bad it’s in fattyville
Big girls need love too

B. Fitzgerald -
five years of yoga
now I can support myself
with my huge member

R. Hart -
I also heard that
You can support a naked
Man with that member

I’ll take your word for
It, but Lehane said he wants
Some visual proof

D. Hutchings -
I heard that Brian
Held up houses with his rod
During Katrina
 
I also heard Matt
Held coloreds under water
During Katrina

K. McLaughlin -
The Tenacious D
Pioneered the cock push-up
Bri perfected it

Topics 3/12/2008:
Topics:
1 out of every 4 Teen Girls has an STD
Patrick Swayze’s (pancreatic) cancer
What St. Patricks day means to people of color
and

And first line:
On my ride to work

S. Graham -
That is not me there.
It’s my illegitimate
daughter Stephanie

J. Tilton -
One in four teen girls
has a sexytime disease
they got it from me

Steve dresses like a
princess and prances around
what a fucking queer!

R. Hart -
I am in the clear
Haven’t nailed a teen girl in
Over 5 years now

Poor Patrick Swayze
He’s not so lucky, some teen
Gave him the cancer

D. Hutchings -
On my ride to work
I came across some teen girls
It burns when I piss

J. Tilton -
Patrick Swayze will
beat the cancer easily
with one roundhouse kick

K. McLaughlin -
And then Wade Garrett
Will give it to Brad Wesley
With an uppercut

R. Hart -
On my way to work
I drove over some speed bumps
I mean homeless guys

D. Hutchings -
Stephanie M. Graham
Looks so happy in that shot
Two years later…aids

J. Tilton -
Saint Patrick’s Day is
not for white people only
Blacks love to get drunk

K. McLaughlin -
It’s all fun and games
Till someone gets the VD
Stupid spoiled whores

Clare -
Eliot Spitzer
Also loved the teenaged whores
The poor schmuck resigned

D. Hutchings -
Eliot paid whores
to perform a move he called
the Spitzer Spritzer

J. Tilton -
On my ride to work
I listen to O and A
Space Shuttlendeavourrrrrrrrrr

D. Hutchings -
Space shuttleendeavoorrrrr
Is made up of old parts from
Space shuttlechallengerrrrr

M. Lehane -
On my ride to work
I ran into Kevin Faulk
We smoked some good Weed

K. McLaughlin -
Often we forget
Black people are Irish too
Like Tracy McGrady

BouFF -
Just got out of an awesome 2 hr meeting so here’s everything for my delay:
 
Twenty Five Percent
Of little girls are tainted
The blue witch is clean.
 
Dirty little girls
Matt’s dressed as the Pokeman
Mission: Get Teen-A1DS
 
On my ride to work
Asian folks caused a car crash
BIG Fucking surprise.
 
On my ride to work
I hit a bum with my car
Bums don’t have feelings

J. Tilton -
Why is that NASCAR
M & M kid so happy?
Just nailed Stephanie

R. Hutchings -
That young NASCAR boy
Isn’t happy he nailed Steph
He’s psyched it’s over
 
Stephanie’s skin tone
Just isn’t right. We all know,
Stephen hates the blacks

R. Hart -
He should have went for
the witch. Her sexy posing
gives me a boner

M. Lehane -
I once saw weed sold
during my eighth grade gym class
Now candy is banned?

D. Hutchings -
You once saw it sold
I’m selling it this minute
In 8th grade gym class

M. Lehane -
Really, what the F
Exactly is OMG,
Overgrown Man Gym?

K. McLaughlin -
Overgrown Man Gym
Would be a great song title
With Marc’s permission

M. Lehane -
I’m more than ok
But this new song must be sung
With my friend Raffi

BouFF -
O-M-G stands for
Oversized mamory glands
I think Joe has that.

NEW TOPIC IDEA, MIDSTREAM!!

Idea for topic    
Just what does the OMG
Do and Dick’s role there

J. Tilton -
OMG stands for
Ow, My Groin! Dick’s job is to
get hit in the junk

D. Hutchings -
OMG’s simply
a software consortium
I manage the office
 
Instron’s great logo
Is a guy holding a shaft
Explains why Marc’s there

OMG’s healthcare
Doesn’t cover broken junk
No baby Hutchings’

M. Lehane -
You are way off Dick
Instrons logo is not that
Cuz there are two guys

D. Hutchings -
Two guys rubbin swords
Is more gay than one guy
Playing with his sword

M. Lehane -
No asshole they are
Getting in position for
The Eiffel Tower

D. Hutchings -
A Senior Service
Account Representative
I hate you so much

Servicing ’seniors’
Marc’s profession and hobby
Soon he will be one

D. Hutchings -
On my way to work
I saw Joe doing yoga
Staring at Marc’s ass

J. Tilton -
Thousands of years ago
Asians invented Haiku
To insult Richie

D. Hutchings -
It’s for that reason
I hate asians to this day
How’d they even know?

K. McLaughlin -
Don’t worry Richie
GM makes cars so that they
Get in accidents

J. Tilton -
I’m not going to
Dick’s birthday party because
He is not my friend

(Joe ended up coming out for my birthday…because, whether he likes it or not, he’s my friend.  It’s too late now.  And since we’re friends, here’s Joe at a recent yoga class)

Sorry Joe, had to.