The Eagle Helps Jimmy Move His Stuff...Not Rich.
Truth be told, the other day when I "supposedly" helped my friend Jimmy move...I was hiking. The person that helped Jimmy...none other than the Eagle himself. Here's how it happened.
I was walking to the store to get some breakfast. The usual, pink chips and milk. As I'm walking, I notice two cars pulled over on the side of the road. Suddenly, out of nowhere one of the cars BURSTS into flames. I'm terrified as usual, so I run into the local pub for a morning shot of whiskey and a hiding place from the fire. Rich hate fire. So, I'm watching these people burn alive as I sip on my cup of Johnny Walker Blue Label scotch. I don't want to help them because of the slight chance that I may catch on fire myself. Which, isn't on my list of things to do before I die. Actually, it is...right behind "Catch aids from unattractive stripper." Anyway, back to the story. I'm sippin my drink and watching the people burn. Then, out of nowhere comes The Eagle. I knew it was him because spring is here and he was sporting his trademark The Eagle smock. I stood and stared in amazement as The Eagle ripped the doors off of the cars, and yanked the burning babies out of the flaming car. I don't know why babies were driving cars in the first place, but who am I to judge. The Eagle takes them out of their flaming baby carseats of death and puts them safely on the sidewalk. They take out their cigarettes and light up...after all, there's only so much stress a baby can take. So, the Eagle goes back in for the baby's diapers and such. Brings them over, then sits down and smokes his last cigarette. He looks at the baby as if to say "Got a light?" The baby gives him a $10 bill from his wallet, then points at the convenience store across the road. The very one I'm drinking my whiskey in...wait, I said I was in a pub...should I tell them the truth? That I'm an alcoholic who's addicted to drinking in public places? Naaah.
So I make my way over to the convenience store behind The Eagle. We get to the counter, and The Eagle orders nothing. The man behind the counter had his stuff ready for him. The Eagle, what a man! So, as The Eagle turns around, I drop my money on the ground hoping he would help. He bends down, and grabs the money for me. The Eagle, what a gentleman! He hands it to me and tells me to be more careful, and to lay off of the whiskey. I say "Alright." then slump my head down. He turns around just before walking out the door, and asks "What's the matter big fella?" I tell him that I don't want to help Jimmy move, because I'm supposed to be going hiking with all my friends in AA. He asks me if I'm an alcoholic, and I say "No, I just like the attention of being the guy who just can't go on. Shameful? Yes. Envigorating? YOU BETCHA!" The Eagle goes on to tell me I'm a sad man. But since he's got nothing else to do, why not help someone who's actually in need of help...your "friend" Jimmy. You're a bad, bad man. You need help.
I do need help, but not anymore, since The Eagle's gonna help Jimmy move. So, apparently The Eagle got the gout, but still worked his ass of with Jimmy. What a man! I'm not sure how Jimmy didn't realize that it was The Eagle helping him, but I got an email from him the day after. Here's what it said:
From: jimmydontneednoguff@sexymen.com
To: dick
Date: xx/xx/2007
Subject:
Dude, I just wanted to say thanks for the help yesterday. MAN, did you lose weight? And what's up with the 1980's porn/beatles hair cut? Oh, and I owe you one. I mean, you moved half of that stuff by yourself, and when I offered you $50, you said no and just asked for a pack of smokes and a coffee. You're a true friend.
Jimmy.
Sad to say, I also got an email from The Eagle.
From: TheEagle@idontneedadamnurl.com
To: dick
Date: xx/xx/2007
Subject:
You ass. Why didn't you tell me he had an elyptical machine? The Eagle's none too happy about this. The Eagle had to see a chiropractor lady The Eagle knew from way back when. Her name's The Falcon, she's a minx. Anyway, I got the kinks out, in more ways than one! See what The Eagle did there? Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you're a horrible friend, and even worse person, and I hope you have fun in hell.
I hope I never see you again.
The Eagle.
The Eagle's still my hero. Mean, but my hero.
