Rich's Blog de Sexy

The Eagle doesn't do interviews as we all know. But lucky for you, he does do countdowns. Who knew?! So, I met someone who said that he saw the Eagle talking to the guy at the convenience store down the street. I went and interviewed the convenience store clerk, and only saved the important stuff. So without any further ado, here's the "Cliff notes" version of my interview with the clerk about The Eagles top 10.

Me - Hi, I've come here to find out what The Eagle's top 10 for 2006 consisted of.

Clerk - I'm glad you've come here....{{edit for entertainment value}} Then after 6 straight days of working, I got a day off {{edit}} So, I had a baaaaaaaad omelette {{edit}} Finally, The Eagle walks in wearing his usual Eagle shawl.

Me - That's a trademark right there.

Clerk - What?

Me - Nothing. C'mon top 10, chop chop.

Clerk - He begins telling me that he has a top 10 list for just about everything, so I asked him if he could ramble off a couple of top 10's. So he wrote them out on the back of this lottery ticket using one of those big permanent markers.

Me - How'd he fit them all on one slip?

Clerk - He's The friggen Eagle man. So here's his first list. (I grab the "list") it read:

Top 10 Favorite times I had a cigarette this year.

10. After I saved those hostages, while I was still brushing my teeth.
09. Right after I had my first Gingerbread Coffee.
08. Before I went and saved all of those people when that crazy baseball player smashed into that apartment complex.
07. After Marc Lehane became a dad.
06. When I found out there was going to be a George Strait best of album.
05. When I found out there was going to be a live action Transformers.
04. As soon as I figured out how to fix that takeover in Somalia. (which I did)
03. Every time Bush said "nucular"
02. That time I nailed that chick.
01. When that French soccer player headbutted that guy, and knocked him the F out.

Clerk - That's not it, there's another side to that.

Me - Shut up, there's another side to your mother. Her backside. And if you don't want me visiting it, you'll just give me the list.


Top 10 Ladies I Spent Quality Time with, or "QT" as I call it.

10. Selma Hayek
09. Steve-O
08. D-Nice Hart
07. That chick, I can't remember her name...from Springfield....remember, I talked about her ealier...eh, well her.
06. Convenience store clerks wife.
05. Charro
04. Britney Spears cesarian scar.
03. Jessica Alba
02. Anne Hathaway
01. Merideth Baxter-Birney


Clerk - Well, there's more lists, and let me tell you about the {{edit}} and naked TOO! {{edit}} The athiest hating monkeys stole {{edit}}

Me - You know what, how about I just get going and give up this year. Ok?

Clerk - You could hang out you know. I don't have many friends and {{edit}} YOU'RE A JERK!!! GET OUT OF HERE!!

When The Eagle was in his teens, (his exact age is unknown) he knew that coming across situations that would reward him with coffee and cigarettes wasn't going to be easy.  He thought that maybe it's time he get's a job, just for his essentials.  So The Eagle made his rounds, going from store to store, looking for an easy job that paid well enough for his supplies, and gave him enough time to do his hero thing.  After about 5 hours straight, the Eagle noticed that he had crossed 8 town lines, and applied at over 50 jobs.  So, he thought it'd be a good time to take a break.  So, he took a seat on a park bench he came across, lit a cigarette, and fell asleep.  Still smoking the cigarette properly, and putting it out when it was done.  He dreamed of a shoreline, and a small suburban town where he had an unlimited supply of cigarettes and coffee.  Where the birds chirped, and when they all chirped The Eagles name and sang nothing but Ice Cube all day.  That's when he woke up to the sound of sirens coming close.  He saw that there had been an accident, a major accident, and the ambulance and fire engines were stuck in traffic a distance away.  So The Eagle, being The Eagle, sprung into action, and ran to the wreckage.  When he got there, he heard a woman screaming, "MY BABY!!!!" so he tended to her first.  When The Eagle got to the car, the lady said "My baby, my baby's in the tree up there.  I hope he's still alive!!  Please, will you save my baby?!"  The Eagle didn't say a word, but took out his swiss army knife and began to cut the tree down.  After about a minute, The Eagle had the tree ready to topple over, and tapped the tree, only to have it fall into the middle of the accident.  But the baby, the baby, fell right into The Eagles hands, undamaged.  The Eagle brought the baby back to the mother, who was now crying because the tree fell next to her car, knocking over her coffee.  The Eagle could relate, so he helped her out of the car, and held her as she cried.  He then realized he couldn't dare ask for the coffee.  So when the mother turned to him and asked if there was anything she could do to repay him, he said "Just a pack of smokes would be fine."  So, she bought The Eagle some cigarettes and with tears in her eyes, she handed it to him, thanking him over and over.  The Eagle stopped her and said "Please.  I wanted to.  I'm sorry about your loss."  The mother reflected on the times she had with her coffee, shed a single tear, and said "thank you" again.  The Eagle turned around only to see pain and suffering everywhere, which, of course, he had to correct.  So, he went through each car, pulling out each bloody victim, and placing them on a group of mattresses that spilled out onto the road from a delivery truck.  When he was done, sweating, and his patented Eagle shawl covered in blood and oil, he took a seat on a piece of, what once was a motorcycle.  The group of the hurt and wounded come over to him, and begin to thank him over and over.  He smiled, and waited for the offering of cigarettes and coffee.  Then the unthinkable happened, they thanked him, and then walked away.  The Eagle, knowing that improperly saving people was his way to get cigarettes and coffee, knew that this was detrimental to his future as a passifist hero.  I mean, what else did he ask for, nothing.  He asked for NOTHING, and now these people think they can just dismiss the incredible good deed that has just been accomplished in their favor!!!!  He sat, enraged, but motionless and silent.  Then a little girl came over with a coffee and a carton of cigarettes.  "Mr. Eagle?"  He looked down, ready to strike, then realized it was a 6 yr old girl.  "Yes little one."  "Mr. Eagle" she says to him, she says "Mr. Eagle, my mommy's last wish was that you have these cigarettes and coffee for saving me and everyone else that made it."  The Eagle just stared with a tear in his eye, "Thank you little one."  Took the cigarettes, and coffee and began to walk away from another scene of absolute chaos, that he helped correct.   

When the Eagle was just a young baby Eagle, he celebrated the holidays just like we all did.  His family would get together and decorate the tree, hang stockings on the chimney, make 2 batches of cookies, one with razor blades in it just incase there's an imposter Santa again, and lighting off fireworks at the church during 12 o'clock mass.  Just like the ones you read about in the books...about the Eagle. (2422 books written on "The Eagle")  This year, the Eagle had just turned 6, they don't know what date the Eagle was born on exactly, but they figure it's sometime in the month of Awesome, on a leap year.  He told his mom he wanted nothing more than a coffee and a carton of cigarettes.  His mother shook her head, and rubbed his hair, and said "We'll see what Santa brings, I already told him you wanted coffee and cigarettes, hopefully they make them in the North Pole."  So, Christmas eve came, and The Eagle laid in bed waiting for the arrival of the one, St. Nick.  The Eagle, smoking his last cigarette, looked concerned as it had just passed midnight, and he hadn't heard a russling from the rooftops.  He decided to make his way down to the kitchen to whip together a nice bedtime roast coffee.   As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he noticed the cookies were gone, but no cigarettes or coffee was left for him. 

The Eagle ran into his parents bedroom, only to be shocked to see their bedroom empty.  There was a letter, and it read:

Dear The Eagle, 
     Your father and I have run off with Santa Clause for a crazy 3 way love fest that I can't see ending any time soon.  We're leaving in..." 

The rest were just scribbles, showing that there could have been a bit of a struggle.  The Eagle went back downstairs and fixed himself another coffee, extra strong, and just stared at the baron empty christmas tree.  He knew he was going to start crying if he didn't stop himself, so, he poked himself in the eye with an ornament hook from the tree to make the pain more bearable.  Which lead to him spilling his coffee all over himself and the electrical sockets near the tree.  The tree caught on fire almost immediately sending flames into the walls and curtains.  The Eagle ran into his bedroom and grabbed his famous "The Eagle" poncho, his lighter, and his coffee cup, then ran out the door.

Staring up at his childhood home, watching it burn to the ground, and knowing that, that same night, his parents left, and Santa never showed up, pushed The Eagle to the breaking point.  The ambulance, and firetrucks showed up with horns blaring, and lights flashing.  They grabbed The Eagle and wrapped him in blankets to keep him warm, and seated him on the back of the ambulance and asked if he needed anything.  The Eagle looked up, shiverring and cold, and said "I need a cigarette, and a coffee.  Black coffee."  The medic smiled and brushed off the child as if he were just immature.  Until The Eagle grabbed the back of the medics pants as he was walking away and, and when the Medic turned around, The Eagle was standing on a stack of 3 medics he had just knocked unconsious, he looked at the medic and said "I need, a cigarette, and one black coffee.  Please!"  The medic gave The Eagle his cigarettes and ran off to grab The Eagle his coffee.  When the medic returned, The Eagle grabbed his coffee, took a drag from his cigarette, looked at the medic and said "Thanks, you're a real chum."  then just walked off. 

The police searched for The Eagle night and day through the holiday season, but to no avail.  When January 2nd came around, the police started getting word of a small child two towns over, who saved 8 people from a burning hotel while drinking his coffee and smoking a cigarette.  And went to go look to see if that child was, in fact, the boy who left last holiday season.  When the police got to the town, they blew through a red light, and hit a propane truck, flipping over a guardrail, and right next to the "Mo & Lesters Daycare".  Writhing in pain, Officer Light, the passenger in the vehicle, looked at the driver, sniffed, and said "I didn't know you smoked!"   Just then, a small, yet strong hand, reached in through the window, and pulled the man out.  That same hand would reach in and grab the driver as well.  After saving the two drivers, the hero flipped the gas truck back over, siphened the gas from the tank, and went on to fill up all of the townspeoples cars with regular unleaded. 

Once it was all said and done, and the smoke cleared, a young The Eagle, smoking a cigarette, made his way towards the officers.  "You!" the driving officer exclaimed, "It IS you!"  The Eagle just sipped his coffee and smoked his cigarette.  "We thought we'd never see you again.  You...you're a hero!"  The Eagle takes the last drag off of his cigarette, flicks it, looks at the officer and says  "The Eagle is many things.  A hero, he is not."  A couple of the townsfolk came over holding a cake and some brownies, and offered them up to the Eagle for saving the town, and the children.  The Eagle stared at the townsfolk and said "What I could really go for is a coffee, and some cigarettes." Almost instantly, the Eagle had a tall hot coffee in his hands, and a new pack of cigarettes.  The Eagle nodded at the crowd, and walked off to his next adventure.

What's "The Eagle"?: 

Almost every morning, on the long treck to work, I drive past what I consider an enigma.  It's a gentleman walking down the same road, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a coffee.  Most of the time, he's wearing the same attire, a handmade sweater type thing, with an Aztekian looking portrait of an eagle on the back.  I do not believe this person has a name, I can't imagine him being called anything other than "THE EAGLE".  The Eagle walked the streets of Minneapolis, Minnesota before moving to Dedham, Massachusetts, and here are some of his stories.

A day in the life of The Eagle: 

The Eagle never sleeps, he just walks.  So this faithful morning, he was walking past a Chinese Food restaurant, when he noticed that there was a person eating alone, who was choking on one of her crab rangoons.  The Eagle, by instinct, snapped into action and lept through the window, knocked over the choking person and kicked them in the stomach, dislodging the crab rangoon from the person's throat.  The kitchen full of asian chef's broke into cheers, and the cashier ran over and handed The Eagle all of the money out of the cash register.  The Eagle smiles, and makes eye contact with the cashier, sending her into a coma which she is still in today.  The Eagle placed the money on the counter when the manager came over and told him to take it for his heroic actions.  The Eagle simply laughed and said "Dear sir, I cannot take your money.  I did what any mortal man would do, I broke through the glass, kicked someone, and food shot across the room.  All in a days work."  and he made his way towards the door before being stopped by the manager again.  The manager said "There has to be a way we can repay you."  The Eagle turned and looked at the man and said "Fine, you want to repay me.  How about a pack of smokes and a coffee."  The manager ran next door, got The Eagle a coffee and a pack of cigarettes, and brought them back to The Eagle.  "Thank you" he said as he shook the shards of glass from his sweater.  He turns, takes a sip of his coffee, a haul of his cigarette, and begins to walk again.

Later that night, The Eagle was walking past a dance club.  He stopped to take a sip of his coffee and light a smoke when his amazing, almost super human hearing picked up the sounds of a young lady getting assaulted in a vehicle 3 streets down.  The Eagle drinks the rest of his coffee quickly, throws the cup into a barrel and begins running to the screams, taking a haul off of his cigarette every few steps.  He gets to the end of the street, and takes a look down to see a single Oldsmobile Alero shaking left and right with the windows all fogged up.  The Eagle knew what he had to do.  So, he runs back into the main street, and see's a man walking away from his garbage truck, leaving it running.  The Eagle jumps into the garbage truck and begins to head to the Alero where the assault is happening.  He drives, accelerating as quickly as possible.  As he approaches the Alero at 45 mph in the garbage truck, he leans out the window, pulls down on the air horn, then says "I'LL SAVE YOU LADY!!!!!"  The people in the car rub a circle into the fog formed on the windows, only to see a garbage truck driven by The Eagle bearing down on them.  The man climbs out and shuts the door on the victims hand, sending her back into the car.  The Eagle see's this, and hops out of the garbage truck to chase the assailant.  He finally catches up to him a half of a block away, and greets him with The Eagle right hook, sending the assailant into a state of unconsiousness.  Now dragging him back to the scene of the crime, he notices that the garbage truck was there, but he couldn't see the Alero.  He looks around to see the Alero on the opposite side of the garbage truck, securely wedged underneath the garbage truck.  The Eagle goes to open the passengers side door and let the lady out, but can't because of the pressure from the garbage truck crushing shut.  The victim, still in the car, looks out of the window and at The Eagle, thanking him with blood running down her face.  She asks him if there's anything she can do to repay him for getting rid of the assailant.  He just looks and smiles and says, "A coffee and a pack of smokes wouldn't be too bad."  She slips a $10 through a break in the glass and thanks The Eagle, as he continues on his path.

To be continued...