Rich’s Blog de Sexy

Ok, so my blog up to now has been me, me, me.  With a little of yous guys tossed in there.  Welp, this time, there is something that has happened that needs a full blog entry to write about.  So as you know, both Angela and I have been taking on this Atkins diet head on.  I chose to be more vocal about my success, whereas my counterpart/fiance/future wifey, Angela, has kept it to herself, and just like the lil train that could, she just kept on choo-choo-choosing to kick the crap out of this diet herself.  Well, while I was on vacation up in Maine…which I’ll get into a little bit before the end of this entry, I received a telephone call from an excited woman.  At first I thought it was Anne Hathaway calling me again after she dropped her boyfriend and realized all along that it’s been me she’s been having dreams about, but she didn’t realize it til she drove past one of my “flex offs” (where I pose on street corners, not for money, but to brighten peoples days up) and that’s when she put 2 and 2 together, and the calls haven’t stopped.  Oh, right, my fiance, sorry.  So it turns out that it’s Angela.  She begins to tell me what weight she’s at, and I start doing the math.  Now, I’ve been in a relationship for 11 years, so I know what numbers I can give out, and what numbers I can’t.  Luckily, we’re not at the “don’t mention my age” stage yet, so I’m good there.  But I’m not givin out weight’s until we’re at our goal weight. 

What I CAN tell you, is precisely how much weight Angela has lost in the 3 months we’ve been on the Atkins diet.  Ok….you ready?  Seriously, you better be.  Angela Rose, as of 3 months, has lost, officially 88 lbs.   I shat a little when I finished doing the match, 20 minutes after she gave me the numbers.  That’s the equivolent of Paris Hilton in a wet jogging suit!!  I still can’t believe it.  I mean, seriously 88 lbs., that’s making an appearance on Jenny Jones, or some other shitty talk show, worthy.

But honestly, I couldn’t be more proud of her.  She’s gone from needing chocolate every night, to scoffing at Lindt Chocolate Truffles commercia….mmmm lindt chocolate truff…sorry…sorry.  She is unphased by anything/everything chocolate and/or with carbs/sugars.  She’s the one reason I didn’t slip early on, on this diet.  We used to order food everynight, and then drive to go get it.   And when I say food, I mean FOOD.  Like, wayyyy too much food, multiple-meal food…yeah…that bad.  Now, we portion, and Angela plans out the meals every week.  (every Thursday to be exact)  She’s Brady and I’m Moss, I just catch her passes, and I run with it, get touchdowns and the glory (my blog), then get assault charges brought up during the playoffs by some lonely dou…..wait…go too in character there.  Regardless, you get the analogy.  She sets up the play, and we execute, simply put.  

But that’s Angela’s story, for now.  She’s showing no NO NO NO no signs of stopping, or even slowing down.  Eventually, I’m going to be telling her to eat something because she’s wasting away, and that’s when we’ll all realize we’ve been transfered over to Bizarro world, and this was all a tough yet wonderful dream.  88 lbs, god damnit…I had to say it one more time.

Now, as for this past weekend.  Maine was fantastic.  I went up with Ryan, Kevin, Brian, Matt, Bouff, Mike and of course the birthday boy himself, Lil Joey Tilton.  The weather was altogether good, not beach going weather, but good.   We caught a great Radiohead cover band, playing OK Computer all the way through, plus a couple others.  The following day, we played frisbee golf, like they did in days of yore.  Back when they played with their shields and the goal was a stick with a torso on it.   This was the first, and only time, I saw a Mountain Dew machine in the middle of the woods.   I guess sometimes you just need to get EXTREME and do the Dew, no matter where you are.  That night, we went out and I danced up against Kevin so hard.  I felt like we connected…emotionally.  The reason I wrote this part was to explain what NOT to do…I’m sorry, to be more specific where NOT to eat.

MEXICAN FOOD!! 

Oh my dear lord.  If there’s one smell that will make you willing to choke a newborn for a bite of it, it’s Mexican food.  Especially this place.  It was as if they took every vent in the place and focused it directly on me.  For a good portion of the meal, I spent some time smelling my hand, so I wouldn’t smell the food.  The way my good friend Bouff (comic book guru) put it was “It’s like putting me (Bouff - Comic fanatic) in front of Stan Lee and wasn’t allowed to ask him anything.”  Food was my crack for a while, so that statement couldn’t have been more true.  Regardless, I made it through it, and drowned myself in Vodka tonics the rest of the night to forget that I was hungry.  haha.

SO, no other news on me, just on Angela.

88 POUNDS!! 

Sorry, had to say it one more time.           

Last night was probably one of the greatest nights I’ve had when it comes to sports. After 22 years of hibernation, the Boston Celtics have come out and taken back the NBA Championship by DESTROOOOYING the LA Lakers. Pound on your chest now, Vuja-bitch! (thanks for that lil gem Joe) I’ve never been so happy to see one man win a championship, more than Kevin Garnett. If I ever have to fight Kimbo Slice, 1 on 1, I’m going to watch KG’s post-finals speech before hand. Sure I’ll still probably be beaten into a coma, but man will I be amped up for it. That primal scream he let loose gave my goose bumps, goose bumps. The only happiness I could assumingly compare that to is when Doogie Howser was doing lines off of the hookers ass in Harold & Kumar, Go To White Castle.

A second championship was won in Masschusetts as well last night. A local Dynasty known as the Angry Pirates won their…like…8th championship out of 4 years playing together, and our overall record during that period is 114-13. Two games last night, first was a blowout. Second game, and championship was even MORE of a blowout. I’m pretty sure the final score was like 48-12, no matter what, we’re champs, yet again, and I feel like a shorter, fatter, lighter skinned, less talented, poorer, less coordinated version of Kevin Garnett.

TOP OF THE WOOOORLD!!

My favorite picture, don’t know why, it just is:

As for my diet, it continually progresses into a full workout routine. From just walking, to speed walking…now I’m to the point where I jog approximately half the distance I’m walking. So, .8 miles jogging, .8 miles walking. (50 walking steps, 50 jogging steps) It’s a slow progress, but it’s progress none the less.

Angela and I discovered one of the greatest combinations of meat/cheese ever this week. Write this down, because Atkins or no Atkins, this is de-F’N-licious. Steak tips with pepper jack cheese melted on it, that’s all you need. Angela has gone down about 3 full pant sizes, and got this cute Garnett T-Shirt a few weeks back. She fills it out, but in the good way. I’d post pictures of her, but really, this blog’s all about me. (just kidding, if I didn’t lose our camera, we’d have 50 new pictures of her. I just suck)

The flag football season’s over, but the great thing that I took from this season is my improvement in the energy/speed/quickness department. When this football season started, I was slow, no energy, couldn’t get off the line quick, and getting back to the huddle after was a slow walk. Last night, it was jog to the line, sprint off the line, get to the spot, play over, jog back to the huddle. And my god, it felt great.

This weekend I have a Maine getaway with the boys. I’m sure it’ll involve a whole bunch of trying not to look each other in the eye when we’re showering together. But hey, it wouldn’t be vacation without some of that. Just kidding, I’m sharing a room with Bouff, being the two notorious snorers, I’m certain I’ll be fending off spooning offers all weekend. Until I’m loaded, then I just need to be comforted. Hahaa.

Ok, well, no pictures this week, but I can say my 48’s are getting loose…so who knows what’s next. I guess I do, it’s 46, but you know what I’m saying jackasses.

Ok, ok.  So this past week was full of lil victories for lil ol’ me.  I’m officially back down to Rich Hutchings circa 2001, so that’s a plus.  The official measurement differences are:

Pants:
Before: 56 waist
Now: 48 waist

Shirts:
Before: 5-6xl
Now: 3xl

So yeah, who needs scales?  Not me.  Scales are for cheaters, and people who require accuracy, and actual figures to chart their progression.  Nah, fuck that.  I’m all about the visual.  You tell me a chicks hot, show me the hot chick.  You tell me that I’m losing weight, show me a skinnier guy…and without further ado….

Before: (1/6/08 as you can see, the child is terrified, and rightfully so I’m a fucking manatee.)

Now: (6/10/08 nobody for miles…why?…too f’n sexy)

So not only am I so skinny that I changed the overall perspective of the photo taken from landscape to portrait, but I’ve become the worlds 2nd biggest jockey, next to Shaq.   Although, I don’t care whatcha gotta say about it, that shirt is pimptacular. 

Well, this was about the pictures, not so much the talking.  See you fuckers next week.

But damn do I feel good. I played flag football last night, and wouldn’t you know it, on the night of Game 1 of the NBA Finals, both teams show up for their games. 2 teams can forfeit on a night where nothing’s going on, but during the Finals…they gotta show up. Anyway, there were only 5 people from my team that showed, but we got a 6th when this kid Zack (seemed to be a friendly stoner type) got drafted to our team for the day. So, that meant, we’d have to play 2 straight games with 1 sub, which was fine with me.

So I start playing, and I’m not feeling that normal “I gotta take a minute here…gotta..breath” feeling anymore. I was running at a reasonable pace. I’m not going to lie and say I was the fastest guy out there, because that’s insane. But I ran my routes (for the most part) and got to where I was supposed to go on nearly every play. I even played defense, as a rusher, and tipped a pass. Now, it certainly is a small feat, but at the beginning of the season, I’d be lucky to make it within 4 feet of the qb. (You have to start 7 yards off, and the qb is in a 5 yard shotgun, so you got some ground to make up) But yeah, I tipped it…sure it ended up being a touchdown, but it was a personal achievement.

I scored the first touchdown of the games, setting the pace for win. I went on to grab a bunch more catches, and play about 3/4 of each game, and grabbed a couple more touchdowns. There were a couple passes in the ‘dark corner’ of the field that Marc had lobbed to me, but I just couldn’t see the ball well enough to adjust in time. Ah well, can’t win em all. No matter what, this is the most progress I’ve FELT since I’ve started this diet/quitting smoking, and I’m f’n psyched.

Oh, and we won both games. First one we won, (approximately) 42-20 and the second we won by slaughter rule, like 48-6.

And the Celtics won, and Paul Pierce made me feel like I was watching Rocky 1 when he came back out of that tunnel. I almost punched Angela in the stomach I was so excited, but instead we settled for high fives. And that KG double handed follow up DUNK off of Rondo’s missed 3 gave me my first basketball boner since the mid 80’s.

First off, I’d like to start off by saying to a friend of mine…

HAHAHAHA, RYAN HART, YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHIN ‘BOUT BASKETBALL!  YOU…DON’T…KNOW…NOTHIN!!

That’s right, Mr. I’m Know So Much About Basketball, prediting that if the Celtics couldn’t beat the Cavs on the road they wouldn’t beat the Pistons.  Well guess what Mr. I’m On A Cross Country Trip and Probably Aren’t Reading This Anyway, you were wrong, and now, the Celtics of Boston, will reignite the burning flame that is the Celtics-v-Lakes rivalry.  No spygate, no haters, just a good sports series in Boston that we can all enjoy with none of that extra added…what’s the word I’m lookin for….Bruhaha.

As for the diet, it’s looking as if I may need to go buy, yet another smaller pair of trousers and a shirt.  This diet and “walking” that people told me about seems to be for real.  Still same old meals, steak and fish, steak and chicken, steak and burger, steak and…steak, etc.  (So yeah, I’m a carnivore.)  Although, I can say that I’ve subdued the Irish side of my eating/drinking habits much easier than I initially thought I would.  My Irish side is the side of my eating habits that got me to where I was.  Beer, potatoes, beer, bread, meat, beer, potatoes…you get the picture.  But yep, gone.

In other big diet news, (and the people who are riding with me up to Maine will appreciate this) I had to adjust my drivers seat in the Jeep….FORWARD!!!  Also, last night, Angela picked me up a set of dumbells.  Nothing too large, I don’t want to try out for the Worlds Strongest Man Competition just yet.  But a couple of 25 lbs dumbells, that I can start toning up with.  Because when you’re this pretty, really, all you need is a little toning.

So yeah, the diet’s going as usual, hot and heavy, like a fat guy going up the stairs.  Soon, the walking becomes speed walking, as the Russian lady “Lana,” that I walk with “Speeda wolking”.  I am about 85% done convincing her to run the last 1/4 of the walk, I figure a nice cool day, and she’ll realize it’s not a long jog at all, then it’ll all work for me during the 94 degree days of summer.  Of course there’ll be some hateful blogs I’m sure, but, for the most part, the result will be worth it.  

**Here’s something I just thought of, that could blow your mind…Imagine if I get a six pack.**