Rich’s Blog de Sexy

Ketosis, it’s what makes this whole Atikins thing work. See, your body stops storing the carbs as fat, and just starts burning off the fat already in your body. So this is going to end up being a long process. I’ve been preparing for the Ice Age for the past 28 years of my life, and just realized, I don’t really have to worry about the Ice Age. I saw the movie with the elephant thing, and the squirrel thing, I know how to survive. (kill elephant and squirrel) Regardless, this week I took a “ketosis test” which is very similar to a pregnancy test, only I didn’t pray that it came back negative. So I pee on this stick thing, and it turns out my body is in full ketosis! Which is a good thing. I think skipping the Beer Summit was in my best interest for certain.

Angela introduced me to all of the random blogs about the amazing stories of people who lost all this weight on the Atkins diet. Well, the one I read, I related to. The guy describes how, as he got larger, his pessimism grew and energy diminished. So instead of thinking, “I’ll go for a walk.” he thought (and myself for a while) “Who needs to walk? I got a car.” Which as odd as it may seem, was the only means of convincing that I needed to skip walks, games, and everything but meals. But, those days are done, as now I find myself convincing…myself that a nice walk in the sun could be just the thing a pale tubby boy needs to get his skin to a perfect bronze for when his stomach automatically forms a 6 pack at the conclusion of his dieting. (not really a conclusion, more of a cool off period, where I can eat a slice of pizza or sumn…you know…get crazy.)

Angela says that I’m already losing weight. I can’t tell, I still don’t have a scale. Plus, how much does a scale that can weigh cars cost? Couldn’t I just go to the tractor trailer weigh stations and do that on a weekly basis? Stand behind an 18 wheeler, and wait. Just freak out the weigh in guys. Eh, the way I see it, the day I can go on a normal scale and weigh myself, is the day I know I’m losing serious weight. Of course, by then, I’m sure I’d see some physical changes, but regardless, let’s just assume my vision of myself is so horrible, that the weigh in would be the only time I see positive results. Anywho, things are on track, I’m sticking to this diet still, and I finally have allergies. As crappy as they may be, I associate the allergies with a reverse tolerance for the pollen around you. So the silver lining is, I’m now outside, doing stuff, long enough to have the pollen effect my allergies. (which I’ve never had before) Sure, sure, I already hate these allergies, but that’s what Claritin’s for.

Next step in this diet is to start using my CarbSmart daily vitamins, and FiberOne something or other. I’m not going to get into the filthy details, but trust me, Fiber is definitely necessary with this diet. You know what, here’s my attempt at PG-13′ing this topic.

Size of the craps before I was on the Atkins diet.

Size of a crap on the Atkins diet.

You get the point. Anywho, besides the physical changes, I feel heathier, more energy, blah blah blah. So far it’s working. Hopefully I’ll be seeing some visible changes in my physique sooner, rather than later. Either way, I’m makin mah wayyyy, the only way I know how. That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow.

YEEEEEEEEEHAW!!

Alrighty, so here’s my 1st week diet update. I believe that I already surpassed my previously held “longest diet that I stuck to” record. Which would have been 2 days, and 4 pizza commercials. Damn you Rustic Pizza, damn you!! Regardless, I’m reading the labels on the back of products, on a consistant basis, and sticking to the Atkins plan to a T. Here’s what I’ve learned about the Atkins diet so far. The food you can eat is good food, but the food you can’t eat tastes better. I never realized how many calories, carbs and stuff were in the foods I was eating. I mean, yes, I realized that when I ordered my Fettucini Alfredo, that I might as well have been eating a container of Crisco, but it tastes so good!

Meh, that’s the past now. My present and future interactions with those dishes will be one of fond memories, and avoidance. I’m sorry pasta, I’m sorry. I started my walks again yesterday. 1.6 miles during lunch, and today I’ll do it after work. That’s 3.2 miles for the week. That’s 2.9 miles further than I walked in all of 2006.

Flag football starts up again tomorrow, and I can’t be more excited. Well, I’m sure if I had High School senior cheerleaders wake me up a few mornings a week with a hearty cheer and a group HJ, I’d be more excited than I am about Flag Football. Regardless, it’s always fun playing with this group of guys. I’ve been playing with them for almost as long as I’ve been using heroin. Ok, ok, I’m not on heroin, but you get it, we’ve been together for a while. Last season, when I started walking at the end of fall (good timing douche!) I was also playing flag football. But the difference when I played this time, was that I ran all over the place. It was one of the first times ever (even at this size) I felt like I could play a full game, at about 3/4 speed. Hopefully this season will progress with the end of my “Jerome Bettis’ last years” syndrome. Which is when he only came in on short down situations…because he’s slow, and so am I…for now!

But, all in all, the diet’s going very well. I’m only drinking water, and eating the proper amounts of food regulated by the Atkins diet. Granted, I’m getting cranky at times, but that’s only because I’m still quitting smoking, I’m on this diet, and I’m trying to help plan my wedding. It’s a lil crazy, but for some reason, I thrive off of hectic times. 2008 so far, has been the most transitional year in my life. I guess it’s a good thing.

Anywho, now that that’s over. Here’s my latest lil photoshop project I felt like working on. Hopefully copyright isn’t an issue because I’m not making JACK SH*T off of this picture. Haha. Enjoy, I call it “The Quite Storm” or “You’re All Effed”

So, I’ve finally decided to get out of my handsomely overweight and single phase, and move onto phase…like…20 of my life. I’m gonna call it the “handsomely NOT SO overweight, and MARRIED phase.” This is the part of my life, where I decide that I’m going to settle down with Angela. Due to this upcoming “Marriage” (September 20th) I now feel the need to make myself smaller. Sure, sure, it was ok for the drinking pictures, and the camping pictures, to be a bigger fella. But on my wedding, our bridal, and groom parties are going to be very good looking people. VERY good looking. Granted, I know it seems egotistical, even superficial, but I’m being honest. Let me explain. All of my friends, are good looking people. Well…most of them, but they’re all in better shape than I am. Which, all in all, doesn’t take much effor….ok, let me rephrase that again, it doesn’t take ANY effort. So I’ve decied to document my newfound efforts to change my body type from ‘morbidly obese’ right down to ’sanely hefty.’

Oh yeah…

I got about 6 months to do it in. So, I’ll be honest on my blog, and keep…myself and the other 2 readers up to date with my assumed weight loss. Because I don’t feel like trying to search for a scale to weigh myself on. And trust me, it’d be a hell of a search. This started about a week ago. That’s when we set the date, and the diet. I’m sure Angela will have NO problem dropping the weight. She has incredible will power when she wants to. But me…let’s just say will power’s not my strong suit. I mean, I’ve already found myself verbally shouting “ooh” when I saw a pizza on TV the other day. So this is gonna take some hard work. (Angela immediately shouted “NOOOOO!” after my “ooh” outburst. Thank you.)

As of right now, the only carbs I had this week were from a bowl of ice cream. But that’s it. I’ve only been drinking water, and coffee. Now, according to this diet, I’m not supposed to drink coffee. Well, that guy that wrote the book on the diet didn’t take into effect a repititious job, and the 3 o’clock desire for a nap. So the coffee stays. I’m starting this diet, honestly, weighing in around 4+ bills. I know, I know, how did I get this big? Let me tell you, 8 years of what I call “stoner couch syndrome.” It’s pretty self explanatory. I’m going to try to get a picture of me now, and add it to this blog. I’ll do this weekly, and see if there’s any progress. If there’s no progress, the last photo you’ll see of me will involve a noose, and a broken horizontal beam in someones basement.

That’s it for now, updates to come.