Rich’s Blog de Sexy

I have officially lost my mind. After a weekend that left me feeling like all I did was chain smoke 10 cartons of cigarettes and do stomach crunches nonstop, yes, I’m full of hate and un-awesomeness right now. So with that being said here are my most recent rants.

Gastric bypass surgery recipients:

Stop acting like you accomplished something. On Fox this morning, I saw a lovely blonde lady (can’t remember her name) explaining how difficult it is to make the lifestyle adjustment necessary for her stomach stapling to work appropriately. Well you know what princess, here’s something that nice people won’t tell you. (Mind you, I’m no lightweight)

**ahem**

YOU DIDN’T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING! What you did, was pay to have someone make your body force a change on you. That’s what that surgery does. If you don’t have the will power to change on your own, and need to get the surgery, you didn’t succeed, you failed. You said “It was difficult to make the lifestyle change” while your obscenely overweight doctor sits next to you explaining how important a healthy lifestyle is. If you say “I tried every diet” blah blah. NO. No, you tried it for a week, smelled a big mac and took off for a McDonalds. Why in the world was this horrible failure story and her obese doctor on the news bragging, and talking about how proud they are about the lifestyle change they made. You know what, how about you show me a picture of you before, then lose a couple hundred Oreos, come back 8 sizes less from GOING TO THE GYM, and EATING HEALTHY, by your own free will, come on back, and say “I’m proud” and I’ll agree. Until then, you’re a cop out failure of a human, you should be ashamed of your horrible marshmallow legs and your hypocritical doctor. Now hit the gym, get off my tv, and have a good time puking up the cracker you eat for breakfast you weak willed nothing.

Nick Harwick (OL San Diego Chargers):

It was reported today that San Diego Chargers offensive lineman Nick Hardwick was a bit unhappy with the performance of our New England Perfectriots defensive end Richard Seymour. After the game, Nick was quoted as saying that Richard Seymour is:
“a dirty, cheap, little pompous [expletive].”
also
“He’s cheap and dirty, and the head man just let him get away with it the whole time,”

Ok, so a San Diego Charger is a sore loser?! Nooooo, not the Chargers. What a bunch of diaper soiling baby’s. Honestly, can the Patriots just beat you without you crying about something else? I am officially going to start a petition to get the San Diego Chargers team name changed to the San Diego WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. Nick Hardwick, you just got schooled by a Pro-Bowl caliber defensive end, welcome to the big leagues son!! Like your boy Olchevsky on the opposite side of the ball, telling the Patriots to be “worried” about San Diego, you boys just got served.

SERVED I SAY!!!!

Daytime Judges:

Honestly, disbar them, now. They’re useless. Imagine how great tv would be without worthless stupid, self indulged judges, sitting behind the desk on worthless cases involving 1984 Toyota Corollas and a $15 table! I’d rather watch Drew Carey’s horrible math skills on The Price Is Right on 20 different channels than that drivle.

While we’re on the subject, the same goes for makeover shows, like Maury and those other mistakes. You’re ugly!! You see a professional for a day, and you’re good looking. You get home…

TADAAAA!!

YOU’RE FUCKING HIDEOUS AGAIN!!! Get over it!!

The Blonde C on the Bob’s Furniture Store commercials:

GET OFF MY TV YOU STUCK UP YUPPIE C**T. HONESTLY, WHENEVER I SEE YOU ON THOSE COMMERCIALS, I PRAY, I LITERALLY PRAY THAT YOU’RE THE 1 IN 10,000,000 THAT EXPERIENCES SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION, OR SOMEONE GOT SMART AND PLANTED AIDS FILLED HYPODERMIC NEEDLES IN THE COUCHES YOU SIT ON. WITH YOUR ANNOYING VOICE, MIDDLE AGED HIPS, CANKLES, PURE WHITE COMPLEXION AND 40 BUT TRYING TO BE 28 ATTITUDE….GUESS WHAT, 40′S THE NEW…40 YOU DUMB BITCH!!! GET THE FUCK HOME AND PREPARE FOR DEATH AND KNEE LEVEL TITTIES, DOUCHE!! GOD DAMN YOU SUCK!

That will be all for today. Thank you.

Oh, and Scientology is still the biggest scam going, except for taxes.

I know, where are the Haiku’s?  Don’t worry your pretty little heads off, they’ll be up soon enough.  I was sidetracked, byt the enthralling new video, floating about on the information superhighway.  I’m talking about Tom MOTHER EFFIN Cruise, talkin bout, WHAT?!  Scientology son!!  Droppin knowledge on all y’all mark ass bustas who don’t know you nothin bout no Scientology OR L. Ron Hubbcha!  So, since I watched approximately 35 seconds of the video, I am now a Scientology expert.  Here’s what I gather:

Cult
Hollywood
Rich people w/ too much money
Crazy
Bored
Crazy Rich
Crazy Bored

Which is why people like Chef…I mean, Isaac Hayes, and The Fresh Prince all joined in the festivities.  Now, I consider myself to be an open minded individual, but this is straight nonsense.  SO, now I start to think…how can I cash in on this?  Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that Scientology is for rich folk.  Catholisism is for people hiding problems.  Christianits…well they’re… solely for the batshit crazy.   And of course Jeudaism, Muslim, Buddhist and Mormons are for well, everyone, but you have to follow me here.

Considering the trend to make your religion based on financial status and the ability to believe any amount of bullshit tossed in your general direction, gave me an idea.

______________________________________________________

Welcome to the school of Mathetology! 

Let’s see, we need a story so dummies will believe it, contribute money, time and effort.  Ok got it.

Before Earth existed, there was a big…ping pong tournament.  Ping pong is a very ancient game.  The tournament was held in an RV floating through space.  The driver, Maleek Shabazz (27) also ran the annual tournament.  At the time, they didn’t have ping pong balls, so, Maleek would combine a dash of water, a dash of dirt, and a dash of gravity.  Then, BAM, they had ping pong balls to play with.  Well, during his 7th annual Ping Pong tournament, he created a very special ping pong ball.  He debuted his ball right before the main event of the evening.  It was Yakesh Masuka vs. Ali “Derka Derka” Ninimajalijihad for the title “greatest ping pong on an rv adrift in space” player ever!  When Maleek showed everyone his new, special ball, people were so amazed by it, that the women ripped their shirts off and men tried to sew them back together!  People hadn’t ever seen such beauty, such elegance.  After the shirts were sewn, and then crudely ripped off again, the game was set to begin.

Maleek tossed the “ping pong ball” to Ali for the first serve of the game.  Ali bounced the ball off of the table 2 times, then threw it in the air, preparing to strike.  When suddenly an onlooker, by the name of Francis Ulikabulza jumped from his seat onto the ping pong table, saving the “ping pong ball” from being smacked.  Once he got kicked off the RV, he went back to his house, and made sure not to ruin the ball.  When he got home, he placed the ball in his zero gravity holding tank.  Comfortable that his new acquisition was safe, he fell asleep. 

When Francis woke up, he was astounded to see his small ball, had been developing into a planet.  Where there was just dirt and water, were little green plants, and where there was once just water, were beaches.  Beaches filled with little peach colored creatures in bikinis and one big fat dummy chasing them all, playing grab ass.  That dummy….ME!  So, I spoke with Francis, and he told me what had happened with the ping pong, and rv floating in space and stuff.  I thanked him, and asked “So what’s the deal now?  You gonna smack us around or what?”  Francis contemplated what he’d do, and he said he’d make himself some more little dirt n water balls, and see what happens.

Well, nothing happened.  He put them in the zero gravity holding tank, and they sat there, doing nothing, like Michael Jackson at a parent teacher convention.  But, the original…what he was now calling Earth, was flourishing.  Plants, more natural waterfalls, etc.  Francis, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, made the best of it.  He put a bunch of LED lights around the container occasionally, and when the lights weren’t on, he’d ritually light a ball of cat hair on fire and let it burn itself out.

It turns out, his “days” equal our “centuries” so years after the initial meeting between myself and Francis he came back to talk with me.  He asked how things are going, and I told him “Shitty!  When I first started there were nothing but hotties in bikinis on the beach.  Now there’s guys with “6-pack abs” and “full heads of hair.” It’s all bullshit.”  Francis rejoiced because his hard work was producing life.  He felt like a mother who has to pee standing up.  He told me that things weren’t as bad as I was making it out to be and gave me a cookie.  I never heard from him again, but I’m still eating that cookie he gave me. 

Yeah, so…Mathetology, join up. 
More to come.

Hacksaw Haikus: 

Bad Checker:
Hacksaw’s tight blue shorts  
no wonder he got cancer
small price for fashion

Bad Checker:

cancer now girls be prepared
scream u-s-a HO!

K. McLaughlin: