I rant yet again.
So, the Massachusetts Highway Commission decided to make 128 a deathtrap. Early yesterday morning, a gentleman had one of those square sewer grates fly off of the ground and almost killed a guy. This coming after 2 previous warnings from drivers on the highway. Good job guys. I hope the next guy who forgets to weld down a grate drives down the highway, and over it only to have it shoot off of the ground, and castrate the guy while he drives. And you KNOW he’s Mr. No Shirt, Jose Canseco sunglasses, tattoo of a leprechaun on one arm, and a big Red Sox “B” on the other. “I don’t need to weld down no stupid grate, I’m too busy flexin! God I can’t wait to get back to Somerville!” What a waste, and if I ever have to call the State Highway commission to report something wrong on the highway, I’m not going to. What the hell is the point? Unless you’re offering them money, they’re not doing anything. In summation before I get to my main point, “Massachusetts Highway Commission, GET AIDS!! ALL OF YOU CORRUPT, GREEDY, MANIPULATIVE, SELF SERVING DOUCHEBAGS!”
Fell better?
Yep.
Now, because of these peope, my ride to visit a friend in Brockton, whom some reefer to as Mr. Fantastic, went from 1 hour to about 2 and a half. It was the equivalent to riding to Laconia, NH when traffic is moderate.
The ride there wasn’t that bad, the highway, although packed, moved relatively quickly. But then again, I was going south. The northbound side…ehh…not so much. Narrowed down from 3 to 1 lane, traffic backed up to route 3, so I knew that I wasn’t taking the highway on the way home, no sirree. So I visit Mr. Fantastic, we talk and do some hetero stuffs, and I head home. Knowing Mr. Fantastic as long as I have, helped me in figuring a way home using sideroads. Turns out they have this thing called “GPS” that does that for you now. I didn’t know that. BUT, luckily enough 7,432,888 grandparents driving Cadillac Escalades and other vehicles that were far too big for them, did! It’s great staring at their GPS screen, after sitting behind them for a mile going 2 miles an hour because she didn’t have her damn Kashi so she doesn’t have the leg power necessary to push down the pedal. I know the next right, about 1/8 of a mile away, takes me around the big lines of traffic, so I wait. I wait, hoping that Whistlers mother, and father time don’t have their hearing aids up and miss the ‘take right here’. But noooo. What do I see? A lil red arrow, then I see the old lady (I use that term because I’m too nice to call a 600 year old bird the C word.) turn to her right and start moving her denture coasters and start talking to the person in the passengers seat. Here’s how I expect the conversation went.
Granny - “WHY IS THE LITTLE TV YELLING AT ME!!?!!?!”
Granpa - “It says turn right!”
Granny - “WHAT SHOW ARE WE WATCHING?”
Granpa - “NO! It says that you need to turn the car right up ahead.”
Granny - “I’M DRIVING?!”
Needless to say, the car holding the couple who survived not only WW1 and WW2, but also the meteor that killed off the dinosaurs, went the same exact way I did. All I can say is that I hope that their depends struck a leak, and GPS reset itself so when they look for home it takes them to St. Bart’s Cemetary. Euuughk.
Me1 - In other news, I saw thing thing on the news…
Me2 - Was I trying to segway?
Me1 - Yep.
Me2 - Kill yourself.
While my inner beings argue, I do have something to say about the news. Last week, Fox25 polled the audience…gross I know. Just kidding, they held a poll (Stop laughing) asking if parents should allow their children to play and hang around obese children, and if hanging around obese people made you obese. That’s right, two polls in one week, about obese people.
You may not care about that, but I do. Why? Because I know obese people.
Me1 - You know obese people?
Me2 - Um….yeah.
Me1 - You mean you are obese people.
Me2 - I guess.
Me3 - I’m hungry!
So, I’m watching this news segment and thinking to myself, “WHY?” I realize being what some might call “Fat” isn’t the greatest thing ever. Sure, it’s unhealthy, but any fat person who tells you it’s a disease or something is a damn liar. I’ll admit it right now, I’m lazy, every fat person is lazy and probably eating before they go to bed.
With that being said, these polls that the news’ hold are beginning to get me a bit concerned. Here’s what I call “Timeline for Tubby”, an evaluation of what could happen to myself and other big beautiful people if society continues on this path of hatred.
2007 - The media tells parents not to let their children be around fat kids.
2007 - The media tells parents that allowing your child to hang around fat kids will result in your child becoming a leper.
2009 - Out of fear, anti-fat establishments are formed, lynching fat people while they sleep. Women and children also.
2010 - Schools are segregated based on weight.
2012 - “Thin’s only” bathroom signs installed around the country.
2013 - Busses install better shocks in the rear of the bus, and direct all obese people to sit only in the back.
2014 - “Fats only” water fountains installed. 1 per state. “Thins only” juice fountains installed every 100 feet of the country. Even Montana.
2015 - I begin to get motivated to do something.
2017 - Congress passes a bill giving thin people to right to cut fat people in line.
2020 - I organize a protest outside of the White House. Government sends Crispy Cream, Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds down. Protest becomes a buffet, 7 die due to heart attacks.
2021 - I decide the internet may be a better idea. I try that, but failed to realize I organized it around dinner time.
2022 - Fat people form our own organization, and political party. The Hippo party, the Demofats, is formed, and we finally have a presidential candidate. He is shot 19 times by and elephant gun, survives, gets elected president.
2023 - President gets gastric bypass surgery, re-instates slavery.
2026 - Fat people are auctioned off at low prices outside of Pizza Parlors everywhere.
2034 - People realize that fat people aren’t good slaves and release them.
2047 - Fat people everywhere move to Maine and claim that land as their own.
2058 - Maine is acknowledged as it’s own country.
2067 - Marijuana is legalized. Fast food are the only affordable meals. Whole country becomes fat.
2088 - USA is slower, sweatier, and much happier. Other countries follow.
