Rich’s Blog de Sexy

So this morning, I hear birds chirping, and I get to thinking.  Why would my mom lie to me, and tell me that there’s a little yellow bird out there, who’s a straight SNITCH!  When I was a kid, and my teacher would call up and rat me out, my mom wouldn’t tell me the teacher called, she said that there was a little yellow bird who came and told her every little bad thing I did.  Instead of instilling solid morals and ethics, she figured, “I’ll fuck him up nice and good and convince him there are talking animals”.  So, literally throughout kindergarden and until 1st grade I truly believed that there was a snitch bird out there.  I had plan after plan to try and catch him.  Doing bad things on purpose and such.  I remember sitting in my room by the window, holding a hammer in my hand, yelling out cuss words so the bird would come and I could kill it.  Sad to say the bird never showed up. 

How I found out:
When I was in 1st grade, I went to a predominately african american school.  I was the one fat white kid in the whole school.  VERY COMFORTABLE!!!  I remember as clear as day, I was outside playing suicide (throw the ball off the wall, if it’s dropped the person who threw it needs to make it to the wall before they get the ball whipped at them) and I got nailed with a ball.  (I’m not very fast)  I yelled out “SHIIIIIIT!!!” then immediately looked around in the sky for the bird, as I always did.  A friend of mind, Lamar Hall, asked me why I would look at the sky every time I swore.  I told him, and for the first month the kids were really cruel, tweeting around me and such.  But then after the verbal beatings, I realized why they were making fun of me.  Because I was retarded to believe that there were a) birds who can talk, b) birds who can evaluate and understand the english language. 

I deserved the abuse, but I did not deserve the yellow bird lies!!  When I have a kid, and he swears, I’m going to do the right thing.

And beat his ass to white meat!!

I didn’t cover all of the subjects I wanted to cover in my initial rant.  There’s one I left off.

OLD GUYS!!!

Give me a god damn break!  How many times are you going to date young women, just to let them down with your lack of sexual drive, and motivation in general.  If you’re double the girls age of who you’re dating, or were in high school when they were only a fetus.  You need to take a step back, and register with the sexual offender registry.  You’re old wrinkly balls need to be with an other old wrinkly parts.  You’re wasting the girls life because you feel like gettin frisky with someone who makes you FEEL young.  I hope that these young girls getting manipulated by these old fucks realize what’s happening to them.   But they don’t.  They’ll just keep getting the old shaft from the old man, until his hip gives out, and she’s stuck spoon feeding him and she’s only 24.  Nice fuckin choice in life. 

As a matter of fact, the blame isn’t solely on the old men.  Mostly, yes, but not solely. 

Young ladies, why are you giving it up to the old guys?  Really?  Isn’t there a more constructive way to piss off your parents and fill the “My daddy hated me” void?  Seriously?  You’re going to look back at this point in your life and realize what a disgusting waste it is.  They’re old and alone for a reason, because they’re lying, cheating, old fucks with ZERO to offer to women.  

If these choices are any indication of the quality of the people involved in these relationships, I hope they have a short miserable life of mediocrity and taking care of old men.  

Drop the guy, and just get a job at a nursing home.

Original Hippies: What happened to the “Free love” generation?  The same people where smoked weed, and ate mushrooms at Woodstock (the original woodstock) are now the brigade of righteousness. 

Christians: Since when did Jesus say to dance around like retards and hate the gays?  Christianity is no longer a religion, it’s a cult.  If Jesus is like this when I get to the gates, I’m turnin around and takin a cab to hell.

Whores: I swear, if I see another whore on any of those damn talk shows complaining about they “don’t know who their baby daddy is” I’m going to lose it.  And why does the audience take pity with these trollups?  If I were in the crowd, I’d be one of the idiots asking questions.  Here’s what I’d ask “Excuse me, but wouldn’t this be a lot easier if you just kept your filthy legs closed?  Thanks Maury!!  WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  I LOVE YOU MAAUUUUURRY!”  See?

School committee’s: The other night on the news, I saw a segment that posed the question “Should all Massachusetts high school mascots be unrelated to the Native Americans?”  Here’s what I noticed about it.  The panel on the school committee had zero native american members on it.  WHAT?!  Yeah, zero.  Some sit at home, nothing to do but bitch, soccer mom/dad comes in and realizes that the “Redmen” isn’t just a group of guys with sunburns.  And then decides for the Indians that, they (the indians) don’t want that name used because it’s offensive.  Albeit, sure, they could be, but who are they to decide.  But that’s helped me decide what my course should be for the rest of my life.  I’m going to join a school committee board, and then I’m going to tell the board that the fact that the teachers use WHITE chalk on BLACK boards is offensive to black people.  And I should know, I’m a middle class white guy. 

In summation, I hate everyone today. 

That’ll be all.

-Rich

I’m still angry over this. I’m never going to go anywhere with director/liar James “Titanic sucked” Cameron again!