Rich’s Blog de Sexy

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It’s a second-and-seven play on the Patriots 19-yard line. Peyton Manning sets up behind center, checks the coverage and calls for the snap. He takes a three step drop and fires the football into the end zone, aimed for wideout Reggie Wayne, who’s given Ellis Hobbs the slip and is streaking down the sideline for a touchdown catch.

But Hobbs stays with the Colts No. 2 receiver. He closes on Wayne, chopping his feet to avoid bumping into the wideout, a sure penalty since his back is to the passer. Wayne’s eyes widen, indicating the ball is on its way. Free from contact, Hobbs jumps up but doesn’t turn to look for the football, which strikes Hobbs’ left biceps from behind and falls to the turf dead.

Penalty flags fly, and referee Bill Carollo turns on his mic to let everyone know that the penalty’s on the “Defense. Automatic first down. The ball will be placed at the 1-yard line.” Manning hits former Patriot Dan Klecko for a 1-yard touchdown pass. A two-point conversion follows, tying it 21-21.

“Face-guarding,” said CBS analyst and former Giants quarterback Phil Simms during the replay. “Ellis Hobbs jumps up, just tries to get in the way of Reggie Wayne. Does not see the football. Does not play it. Easy call.”

Not so, according to replay official Dean Blandino, who joined Bob Boylston in the booth that day.

In a recent posting by Vic Ketchman, Jaguars.com senior editor, Ketchman responded to a fan’s posting about the play, writing, “You are absolutely correct. Face-guarding was discontinued several years ago and I completely missed it.”

Apparently, Ketchman had already responded to questions about the play, attributing the call to face-guarding just like Simms and countless fans across the nation who tuned in to watch the most viewed AFC Championship game in over 20 years.

There is no NFL rule against face-guarding.

“I talked to Dean Blandino in the league office and he confirmed what you’re saying,” wrote Ketchman. “Ellis Hobbs should not have been flagged for pass-interference. He didn’t make contact with the receiver and in no way did Hobbs impede Reggie Wayne’s ability to catch the pass. Blandino confirmed that the incorrect call was made. … Referee Bill Carollo made no reference to face-guarding in his explanation, but CBS analyst Phil Simms did. Apparently, he, too, doesn’t know the rule no longer exists. The next time you hear a TV analyst say, ‘he wasn’t playing the ball,’ think of the Hobbs play, then turn down the sound.”

 

I CALLED IT.

The Eagle may appear to be superhuman, but he is, in fact, human.  He’s a mortal, with immortal qualities.  Because he’s human, he cannot escape the frigid colds that New England has to offer.  He needed more than just his high quality, trademarked The Eagle shawl.  But what material was of high enough quality to protect The Eagles shawl, as well as insulate him through the harsh winter months ahead.  He searched high and low, walking into stores, IN PUBLIC, looking for a coat.  But none seemed to satisfy his need for warmth and protection from his elements.  His elements being, explosions, fire, blood, glass and women.  As he was shopping he thought to himself, which he does very often, “what would Fonzie do?”  He knew right then, what he needed. 

So The Eagle trecked 80 miles up to New Hampshire during a nor-easter.  When he arrived, his clothes were frozen to his body, and he lost feeling in both hands and was seen by the store owner, lighting his cigarettes, and drinking his coffee using only his feet and elbows.   The store owner burst through the door, and asked if he was ok.  The Eagle just smiled, and some of his, now frozen, facial hair fell right off.  “Let me get you inside.” the store owner said.  The Eagle looked at his cigarette as if to say “I’m bringin this with me.”  The store owner said “Whatever” and brought The Eagle inside.

Once inside, The Eagle looked around and saw that he was surrounded by leather.  Leather pants, leather hats, and most importantly, leather jackets.  The eagle searched throught the jackets, tryin on the occasional one.  He saw a leather jacket with an eagle embroidered on it, but decided it was a bit too egotistical for his own taste.  At that point, he turned around, and saw the most perfect leather jacket he could imagine.  He flung his Roddy Piper-esque hair back, took the jacket off of the rack, and just admired it.  The salesman came over and asked “Is that the coat you’re looking for?”  The Eagle said nothing, and just put it on.  It felt like putting on your favorite hat for the first time.  He smiled, turned to the salesman, and said, “I’m gonna take this.”  The salesman told him that the price for that coat was $145.73.  The Eagle checked his pockets, and only found cigarette pack wrappers, a few coffee stirrers, 129 women’s phone numbers, and .73 cents in change.  As the Eagle looked up to tell the man, that he can’t afford it, the roof caved in. 

Wood and glass shattering everywhere, the salesman and owner both were knocked unconscious by what can only be described as the roof.  The Eagle rose from beneath a pile of leather coats and dust, and noticed the two men on the ground.  He immediately sprung into action, as he always does, lifting the beams and such off of the men.  After carrying over each man to a seat, he re-attached the peoples missing limbs, which there were 3 off.  (You don’t want to know which ones.)  After he was done, and wiping the blood from his hands, he stood tall casting a shadow over the two men.  They looked up at him, and began to weep, “Keep the jacket, it’s meant for you” the owner cried out.  The Eagle smiles, lights a cigarette, puts them in the inside pocket of his new jacket, and makes his way out of the store, onto another adventure resulting in cigarettes and coffee.

Because it’s good.  Really good.  The type of good that makes you want to run into the middle of the street.  Run up to a car at a red light, punch out the drivers side window, drag the guy out of the car onto the median, punching him in the kidney and telling him just how good, the American Chop Suey is with every strike.  Until he tells you he wants some, then ask him who he thinks he is, then go back into your house and enjoy.  

Ok, so apparently, so many people go to Indianapolis, Indiana, that they don’t need any extra income from people coming there for the Patriots/Colts playoff game. They cut off sales of NFL playoff tickets to New England Patriots fans. Now, this is one of the first times I heard of this happening. (the other, San Diego, and now Chicago) But I think for those fans that are now, for some reason, forbidden from playoff tickets, here’s what I plan on doing during the Conference Championships since I’m not allowed in with the rest of the Colts fans.

Party at Petyon Mannings house while he’s away! Gravity binger hits in his kitchen. His toilet will be broken, please feel free to use his bed. Avoid the tear soaked pillows and pictures of Tom Brady with hearts all around his head. We’ll move this party to the Colts parking area, where we will spraypaint his vehicle Red, Silver and Blue, throw a nice Patriots flag over it. (all trash into drivers seat please) Next, our party moves to an all red, white and blue lingerie party at Peytons parents house!! Men, women, goats, WHATEVER!! Everyone gets in, but if you are a colts fan, you are relegated to the bathroom…well, outhouse…ok, a crate on a rock in the woods and immediately raped by either the goat, or someone wearing a Tom Brady mask. Consider us gracious. After that, we’re off to church with our sound effects machines. Colts fans aren’t really allowed in there anyway. Following our amazing party, and Peytons pitiful performance, we will be spending the evening drinking the accumulated tears of the Indianapolis Colts football team/fans.

Please, RSVP if you really think I can make $1,000,000 before Friday.

I’m kinda glad I didn’t get the $1,000,000 before the game, then 1) it would have been a waste, and 2) I probably would have got arrested.  But it’s ok. 

GO BEARS!!!!!

 

 I decided to see if Craigslist had any writing jobs, or contests that I could enter, this morning. As I’m scanning, I notice that most the blogs have a “cause”. You know, like saving the trees, or whales, or trees with aids, or whales with aids, or trees with whale aids…you get it. So, I’ve decided on an official “Cause” for my blog. This has required tremendous thought, and countless hours of self reflection in order to come up with a cause that I feel strongly enough for to make it, my cause. So my cause, what I whole heartedly stand behind, is Supersize the Ants!!

Ant’s are an underutilized resource. An ant can carry approximately 60 times his body weight and, go really fast (for its size at least). So think about this.

If we clone giant ant’s, we can all have personal butlers. Ant butlers. And we can make them wear little ant tuxedos. But for the most part, there’d be no need for delivery services anymore, or tow truck services. And another thing about creating giant ants, when people start birthing giant babies, and they grow into giant kids, they can euthanize the ant’s that need to be put down with a giant magnifying glass. Burning the bodies and not taking any unnecessary room. See, as long as we treat them humanely, they’ll interact with humans well, I’m sure. But not those fire ants, those fire ants would be BAD pets! Probably step all over your gardens and stuff. Bad Ants!! BAD!!!

Here’s something for those of you who feel like joining in the fight. Copy, save it, post it on your myspace, or webpage. Just keep the support up and we’ll never have to lift heavy objects again.

Let’s break down his plan of action, shall we?  

1. Join the Iraqi military and police.
2. Send over another 21,400 more troops. (troops - colorful word for young man)

Now here’s where the plan get’s interesting.

HAVE THEM WALK DOOR TO DOOR…to gain the trust of the Iraqi people.  Who the hell though up this plan up?  Honestly, it’s like a friggin Brady Bunch episode.

Marsha: “Gee Greg, those Iraqi’s sure are hostile.”

Greg: “You know it Marsha.  What these Iraqi’s need is some change!!”

*they walk up to a door, and a gentleman answers*

Bobby: “When it’s time to chaaaaange.  You’ve got to re-arraaange!”

Iraqi: “Durka durka.  Lamma durka!!!”

Jan: “Guy’s, I…I don’t think he liked our song.”

Iraqi: “DURKA DURK!!!  DEEBA DURKA DURKA!!!!!!” 

*Iraqi opens his coat exposing dynamite strapped to him*

Peter: “FUCK THIS!!!”

*Peter runs, the other’s follow*

Yeah, see, even the Brady’s didn’t have any luck.  How do you think Iraqi’s will like having guys with guns show up at their house, and tell them “We’re just coming around to let you know that we’re all here holding our guns and bombs to bring peace.”  Awesome.  Apparently after they make their rounds, everything just falls into place, and the smell of apple pies will overtake the smell of agent orange, burning oil smoke, and death.  And people will walk the streets, just because Americans came to their door and told them everything’s going to be ok, because Bush has a plan now. 

Imagine if the military could revolt.

Little Johnny Appleseed went from town to town, sprinkling apple seeds all over the land.  Until he found out that it could give him cancer.  Then he went back to work in the coal mines.

So, I’m sitting on hold with FedEx for about 35 minutes today. And I’m trying to see how many songs I know the words for. And low and behold, Michael McDonald did a cover of I’ll be there by the Jackson 5.  Let me tell YOU just how bad I wanted to smash my phone into my own genitalia. OH GOD! Can someone please tell me how he get’s the words “I will always shelter you” to sound like “I willaways hell for you.”  I’m not at all surprised that he’s put out so many ablums, it’s because no matter which song he’s covering, it’s new.  Suuuuure, it may make no sense, or be complete blabber, but it’s a money maker.  For instance, here’s my rendition of a song that I like, covered by Michael McDonald.

 

Originally - Little Red Corvette.
(just in case you don’t have this incredible song handy, the original is located at the bottom of this post.)

Michael McDonald Covering it, rename:

Li-hel Ed Come Heah

I guessheye wonna crown
bidaway your parkar car sidewee
Thad a wooden lass

Sure the kine a person
Thabaleaves in makin outence
Love-emaleab-emfass

Iguessee mustee dunn
cuzue hadlepockafulla whorses
Trojana some abuse

Bunnit was saahday neye
Ike-ess that makedit all right
Andu say whatabba-gabbadoos?
And honey ahsee

Li-hel Ed Come Heah
Babayar muchdo fast
Li-hel Ed Come Heah
Unique a love that caught a bass

I guesseye sugarcoat meyes
When u dove me 2 mah face
Whereur whores nun mee

cousin falla-lil-ill
When ice aw alter pitcher
Often hockey that wear the bath for me

Believe it ornah
ice R-2 wor-ray
I one two in my hand me up glass

Bunnit was saahday neye
Ike-ess that makedit all right
And Hussein baby, half gobot nugget ass?
Oh heaaah

Li-hel Ed Come Heah
Babayar muchdo fast
Li-hel Ed Come Heah
Unique a love that caught a bass

Apoxy bikers (apoxy bikers)
Ima pee n bail (Ima pee n bail)
car zits under virgin not bein seen
(car zits under virgin not bein seen)

Mooby baby (mooby baby)
George Takei (George Takei)
Um gone a fly two toner illiterate lumber sheet
(Um gone a fly two toner illiterate lumber sheet)

Li-hel Ed Come Heah
Babayar muchdo fass
Li-hel Ed Come Heah
Unique a love that caught a bass

Li-hel Ed Come Heah
Honey ewkata slow noun (ewkata slownown)
Li-hel Ed Come Heah
cousin mah toe u gonnarunna
Lil’ head orbit night onda ground
(Li-hel Ed Come Heah)

Rye dow tooth n brow (honey tooth n brow )
U, u, mugatu mow now (Li-hel Ed Come Heah)
Babayar muchdo fass (muchdo fass)
Unique a love that caught a bass

Girl, u cut ur grass like in eva clean
End a rhine…
End a rhine in swell swoop
Umagasize Lowenstein

Babayar muchdo fass
Li-hel Ed Come Heah
Hoodia glove, hoodia glove tatt’s
Tatt’s goon a flask
(Li-hel Ed Come Heah)
U got 2 slow down (u got 2 slow down)
Li-hel Ed Come Heah

cousin adone, cousin adone,
Urr gonna runababbly, rye he knew the crown (rye he knew the crown)
rye he knew the crown (rye he knew the crown)
rye he knew the crown (rye he knew the crown) 

Thanks Michael McDonald, for making this world a less understandable one. 

(original lyrics:
I guess I shoulda known
By the way u parked your car sideways
That it wouldnt last

See youre the kinda person
That believes in makin out once
Love em and leave em fast

I guess I must be dumb
cuz u had a pocket full of horses
Trojan and some of them used

But it was saturday night
I guess that makes it all right
And u say what have I got 2 lose?
And honey I say

Little red corvette
Baby youre much 2 fast
Little red corvette
U need a love thats gonna last

I guess I shoulda closed my eyes
When u drove me 2 the place
Where your horses run free

cuz I felt a little ill
When I saw all the pictures
Of the jockeys that were there before me

Believe it or not
I started to worry
I wondered if I had enough class

But it was saturday night
I guess that makes it all right
And u say, baby, have u got enough gas?
Oh yeah

Little red corvette
Baby youre much 2 fast, yes u r
Little red corvette
U need 2 find a love thats gonna last

A body like yours (a body like yours)
Oughta be in jail (oughta be in jail)
cuz its on the verge of bein obscene
(cuz its on the verge of bein obscene)

Move over baby (move over baby)
Gimme the keys (gimme the keys)
Im gonna try 2 tame your little red love machine
(Im gonna try 2 tame your little red love machine)

Little red corvette
Baby youre much 2 fast
Little red corvette
U need 2 find a love thats gonna last

Little red corvette
Honey u got 2 slow down (got 2 slow down)
Little red corvette
cuz if u dont u gonna run your
Little red corvette right in the ground

(little red corvette)
Right down 2 the ground (honey u got 2 slow down)
U, u, u got 2 slow down (little red corvette)
Youre movin much 2 fast (2 fast)
U need 2 find a love thats gonna last

Girl, u got an ass like I never seen
And the ride…
I say the ride is so smooth
U must be a limousine

Baby youre much 2 fast
Little red corvette
U need a love, u need a love thats
Thats gonna last
(little red corvette)
U got 2 slow down (u got 2 slow down)
Little red corvette

cuz if u dont, cuz if u dont,
U gonna run your body right into the ground (right into the ground)
Right into the ground (right into the ground)
Right into the ground (right into the ground))

The Eagle doesn’t do interviews as we all know. But lucky for you, he does do countdowns. Who knew?! So, I met someone who said that he saw the Eagle talking to the guy at the convenience store down the street. I went and interviewed the convenience store clerk, and only saved the important stuff. So without any further ado, here’s the “Cliff notes” version of my interview with the clerk about The Eagles top 10.

 

Me - Hi, I’ve come here to find out what The Eagle’s top 10 for 2006 consisted of.

Clerk - I’m glad you’ve come here….{{edit for entertainment value}} Then after 6 straight days of working, I got a day off {{edit}} So, I had a baaaaaaaad omelette {{edit}} Finally, The Eagle walks in wearing his usual Eagle shawl.

Me - That’s a trademark right there.

Clerk - What?

Me - Nothing. C’mon top 10, chop chop.

Clerk - He begins telling me that he has a top 10 list for just about everything, so I asked him if he could ramble off a couple of top 10’s. So he wrote them out on the back of this lottery ticket using one of those big permanent markers.

Me - How’d he fit them all on one slip?

Clerk - He’s The friggen Eagle man. So here’s his first list. (I grab the “list”) it read:

Top 10 Favorite times I had a cigarette this year.

10. After I saved those hostages, while I was still brushing my teeth.
09. Right after I had my first Gingerbread Coffee.
08. Before I went and saved all of those people when that crazy baseball player smashed into that apartment complex.
07. After Marc Lehane became a dad.
06. When I found out there was going to be a George Strait best of album.
05. When I found out there was going to be a live action Transformers.
04. As soon as I figured out how to fix that takeover in Somalia. (which I did)
03. Every time Bush said “nucular”
02. That time I nailed that chick.
01. When that French soccer player headbutted that guy, and knocked him the F out.

Clerk - That’s not it, there’s another side to that.

Me - Shut up, there’s another side to your mother. Her backside. And if you don’t want me visiting it, you’ll just give me the list.

Top 10 Ladies I Spent Quality Time with, or “QT” as I call it.

10. Selma Hayek
09. Steve-O
08. D-Nice Hart
07. That chick, I can’t remember her name…from Springfield….remember, I talked about her ealier…eh, well her.
06. Convenience store clerks wife.
05. Charro
04. Britney Spears cesarian scar.
03. Jessica Alba
02. Anne Hathaway
01. Merideth Baxter-Birney

Clerk - Well, there’s more lists, and let me tell you about the {{edit}} and naked TOO! {{edit}} The athiest hating monkeys stole {{edit}}

Me - You know what, how about I just get going and give up this year. Ok?

Clerk - You could hang out you know. I don’t have many friends and {{edit}} YOU’RE A JERK!!! GET OUT OF HERE!!