Rich's Blog de Sexy

So, I haven't done anything with this blog, because to be honest, all of my creative juices have been flowing into work, and this online wrestling thing I do.  NO NO STOP!!!  Don't navigate away yet.  Sure, it seems lame, but I'm not gonna tell you about the mondane details.  What I'm going to do is explain this Roleplay to you guys, and have you enjoy it.  I don't care who you are, this is funny! 

Main Characters: Versus (my character): Passive agressive stoner, The Steve: The Steve, Double A: Alcoholic and avid stripper fan, Brad Bauer: Middle of the road supposed bad guy, Double A's tag partner, and biggest enemy...weird I know.

Setting: Versus opens up a new Versus Bar, which doubles for interview areas and just a cool place to be if you're an imaginary person.  The Steve gets a new title.  Double A and Brad Bauer get an invitation.

Please, take this for what it is......an eventual Bill Brasky skit ripoff.  hahaa, take that SNL!

Enjoy.

________________Before 1st match______________________


As the camera comes into focus, we see The Steve standing by his locker. He begins to put his bag in his locker when someone knocks on the door.

Voice: Hello? I’m looking for The Steve. I have a special package for him that I must deliver in person.

The Steve: This better be good. Enter.

The door opens and a CCW staff member walks in the locker with a flat, black canvas bag in his hand.

The Steve: Is that what The Steve thinks it is?

CCW Staffer: I don’t know, sir.

The CCW staffer hands The Steve the package.

The Steve: You may go now.

As the staffer leaves the locker room, The Steve unzips the bag and looks inside.

The Steve: Now this definitely worthy of The Steve. It seems too clean though.

The Steve ponders for a moment.

The Steve: Ah, The Steve knows who to see about this.

The Steve zips up the bag, closes his locker, and leaves the locker room. He proceeds down the hallway until he comes to the Versus’ Bar. In front is a set of velvet ropes, and in between the ropes is a line of people 25 deep, and in front of the line are 2 large security guards.

The Steve: What the f*** is this s***?

Security Guard 1: Your invitation, please.

The Steve: What invitation? The Steve does not need an invitation, for he is The Steve, and he is better than you.

Security Guard 2: No invitation, no entry. Get outta here.

The Steve: Get outta here? Get outta here!?!? Who the flying f*** do you think you are? The Steve will not put up with this crap! You will let The Steve in NOW!

Just then, due to all the commotion The Steve is causing, Versus steps outside.

Versus: Is there a problem here?

The Steve: Yea there’s a f***ing problem! These two potty-trained gorillas you hired to work the door won’t let The Steve enter.

Security Guard 1: He doesn’t have an invitation, sir.

Versus: It’s ok boys. He’s cool. Let him in.

The Steve: Well it’s about damn time!

Versus heads back into the bar while The Steve shoots the guards a dirty look before entering himself, still clutching the black canvas bag he received earlier.

The Steve: FINALLY, THE STEVE HAS COME BACK TO…

Everyone In The Bar: (in unison) SHUT THE F*** UP!

The Steve: (looking a little dejected) The Steve hates you all.

The Steve walks over to the bar and sits down on one of the new cushioned bar stools. Versus is standing behind the bar.

Versus: Pick yer poison.

The Steve: The Steve has a match coming up, so he needs to take it easy. Give him a Grey Goose and cranberry.

Versus quickly makes The Steve his drink and sets it in front of him. The Steve picks up the glass and shoots it down like a shot.

The Steve: That hit the spot. Anyway, the reason The Steve has decided to bless you with his presence is because The Steve has received a shiny new toy and, well…it’s too shiny. The Steve needs the crevases of his new toy filled with finely ground hydroponics. Since The Steve forgot his at the hotel room, he figures that you could help him out.

Versus: Now, you know I have no problem helping you out there. However, I am gonna make you show off your new toy.

The Steve: If you insist…

The Steve unzips the zipper and opens the black canvas bag so Versus can look at what‘s inside.

The Steve: She’s beautiful, ain’t she?

Versus: That’s what it looks like? After your big friggin’ speech about how the old one wasn’t good enough, you get it to look like that?

The Steve: What? The Steve said on Tuesday that the old one was a good lookin’ title.

Versus: Whatever man. I don’t care. Ed, gimme a bag of the dank, some papers and a torch.  We're about to kick this party off co-rrect!





__________________after 2nd match

:: Double A enters the locker-room with a mixed reaction from the crowd, Double A notices something on the table, it's a sealed envelope that reads "INVITATION" on it. ::

Double A: Invitation? Bauer, it looks like your invite to the annual Penis Pumpers Anonymous meeting has finally arrived.

:: Double A grins as Bauer snatches the invite away from him ::

Bauer: GIMME THAT!!!

:: Bauer opens the invitation and reads ::

Bauer:

Dear DnD,

You are cordially invited to attend the Grand Opening of the VERSUS BAR Located at the VERSUS BAR, which is in fact, in the Versus Bar. Bring this invitation to gain entry to the one and only VERSUS BAR.

P.S. See directions on the back ---->

Your Friend,

Well...sorta

Versus

:: Bauer crumples the invitation and tosses it over his shoulder looking to go on with his business...Double A catches it and opens it up...he trys desperately to get the creases out of it using a nearby table ::

Double A: Are you crazy?

Bauer: Huh?

Double A: You can't throw away an invite to the VERSUS BAR!!

Bauer: Screw Versus...screw his bar...we've got bigger things to think about.

Double A: You need to lighten up man...have some fun for a change.

Bauer: I lost to Michael Heaton dressed as Guy Fausto on Monday night! I have no time for fun and games. I need to focus.

Double A: You don't even have a match tonight...besides, we beat the TOP on Turmoil. We're on a roll heading into Consequence.

Bauer: I don't have a match tonight...BUT YOU DO! You can't get wrecked and then go out to the ring....you just can't.

Double A: I can't remember the last time I wrestled Sober.

Bauer: How do you expect us to win the World Tag Team championships when you can't go 5 minutes without having a buzz.

Double A: Okay, I'll tell you what, we can wait until after my match against Gavin Slade tonight.

Bauer: NO! Why in the hell would I want to hang out with a couple of stoners in some two bit knock off of an actual bar.

Double A: We can get some pointers from Versus on Revolution Inc regarding the Tag Team title match. He's done with those boys, I figure he may give us some insight.

Bauer: FINE...FINE...OK...just shut up about it already. Go have your match against Gavin Slade and let's get it over with.

:: Double A throws up a fist in celebration as he exits the locker-room ::



___________________________________________SEGMENT TWO: AFTER DOUBLE A's MATCH

:: Bauer stands backstage in front of the Crisis backdrop holding the invitation to the VERSUS BAR. Double A enters the frame. ::

Bauer: Good match skippy...

Double A: Piece of cake...now for some drinky drink and a piece of-

Bauer: Let's see....directions on the back huh...?

:: Bauer turns the note over... they start walking as Bauer reads::

- Go to main hall.

- Turn left at the concession stand.

- Stop to check out the Tits on the hot dog girl...wait, she's only 16, nevermind...no, wait, if this is Double A, then go ahead.

:: Crowd Pops as Double A smiles at the hot dog girl :

Bauer: C'mon...sheesh...

- Make a U turn at the popcorn vendor.

- Swing a right...no a left...okay, it is a right, sorry I'm pretty baked right now. Sorry guys, I can't remember, just have AA sniff out the booze, you'll get here.

:: Bauer throws his arms up in the air. ::

Bauer: This is ridiculous!!! Let's get out of here...

:: Just then, they reach what appears to be a long line made up of staff and CCW Wrestlers. ::

Double A: What's the line for?

CJ Washington: (Who is at the very back of the line) It's to get into the VERSUS BAR.

Double A: Ahh..good...carry on then.

:: Double A bumps Cj out of his way and motions for Bauer to follow. ::

Bauer: Look at all of these jagoffs waiting in line.

:: DnD Pass names like Matt Spears, Morleck, Max Moreno, Eddie Allen, Katsuo Nakamura, among others... They reach the front of the line which is at least 100 people long. Michael Heaton stands at the front of the line in front of Deano Horse. ::

:: The bar is roped off at the doors. There are several large club type bouncers standing around. They dressed like secret service in all black. Heaton talks to one of them at the door. ::

Heaton: But you guys have to let me in.

Bouncer: I'm sorry sir, you need an invitation.

Heaton: I'm on the list...check it again!

Bouncer: Sir, there is no list...back in line please.

Heaton: Why the hell am I standing in line if you aren't going to let me in.

Bouncer: ...

Heaton: But I'm GUY FAUSTO!!!

Bouncer: Oh...well in that case...

Heaton: That's what I thought. Heaton goes marching foward but is cut off by the large bouncer.

Bouncer: I don't think so...

Heaton: But I'm-

Bouncer: You're not Guy Fausto Sir...

Bauer: Hey there Heaton, you smug sonofabitch...

Heaton: Hey look everybody, it's Brad JOBauer...

Bauer: Very funny...

Double A: Shut up Heaton...just because you beat Brad the other night, it doesn't mean he's less of a man.

Bauer: Thank you Double A...

Double A: The fact that he uses a penis pump means he's less of a man!

:: Crowd POP ::

Bauer: I hate you...

Heaton: Good luck getting in here...they aren't letting anybody in, particularly jobbers like you.

Double A: Hey Heaton...don't you have a match against Deano coming up?

Heaton: Yeah So...?

Bauer: Aren't you going to go?

Heaton: And give up my spot in line??? I don't think so.

Bauer: I'm sure Deano will watch your spot. And since he's right here behind you, you can watch his.

:: Deano and Heaton look at each other, nod, and then step out of line. Vincent Valmont is next in line. He moves up to the very front. ::

Vincent: SUCKERS! Hey guys, why aren't you in line?

:: Heaton and Deano leave the frame.

Bauer: We don't wait in line...

Double A: We have an invitation.

Vincent: Cool...do you think you can get me in?

:: Double A hands over the invite to the bouncer. ::

Bouncer: Thank you gentlemen...

:: He holds his hand out as if to expect a tip. ::

Bauer: Vinnie, pay the man.

:: Vincent pulls out some green. He pays the bouncer a $20. The bouncer motions for more. He slaps another $20...the bouncer gets a pissed off look on his face. Vincent gives him another $20. Still nothing. ::

Vincent: Still not enough???

:: Vincent makes it an even hundred bucks. He trys to move foward but the bouncer's stop him. ::

Bouncer: Gentlemen, do you know this guy?

Bauer: No...

Double A: Never seen him before in my life.

Bouncer: Sorry sir, I can't let you in.

:: DnD go into the bar, Vincent gets back in line with everybody else. ::


___________________________________________AFTER MATCH AFTER AA'S (so like 3rd match)

:: DnD look around the VERSUS BAR. ::

Double A: WOW!!!

Bauer: Not to shabby...and here I expected a dive.

Double A: How much is rent, because I'm moving in!!!

Versus: Hey fellas, have a drink...here's some pizza. Make yourselves at home.

Bauer: I'm not much of a drinker.

Versus: I got a non...um...alcoholic drink if you want it.

Bauer: Sure.  ::Notices The Steve enjoying a freshly rolled joint while breaking up more weed on his belt.:: Heyyyyy, I remember you!

Steve: Yep.

Bauer: Didn't you job to Dn...

Steve: The Steve doesn't remember what you're talking about.

Versus: Fellas, that's not what today's all about!!  Here are your drinks.  AA, I got you your special Greatful Dead with a spash of herpe medicine, the Steve, a nice cold, Newcastle!

Steve: The Steve hasn't had a newcastle beer in a long time.  The Steve see's your a man of good taste.

Versus: And Bradley.  Here's your Gatorade.

Bauer: What are these crystals floating around?

Versus: Um...decoration?  **Ahem*** I mean...DECORATION!

Bauer: Nice!  Not bad.

Steve: ::Thinking to himself:: Crystals?  For decoration?  ::Looks at Versus::  Hey....  ::Steve nods at Bauer's drink, as if to say "What's up with the crystals"  Versus smirks at the Steve and points to a bag of keef. (Keef: THC crystals seperated from the plant.  aka 1 Bowl Mind Masher)  The Steve laughs a bit to himself, as he knows what's going on now::

AA: This drink is strong!!  This bar is wonderful!  I can feel my herpes clearin up as we speak! 

Brad: This drink is really, really tasty!!!  You know, OCW has been ruining my career...BRADBauer...

Versus and The Steve: ?????...... (They Bust out in laughter)

The Steve: If you have hate in your heart...let it out!

Brad Bauer: BRADBauer....

Double A: BRADBauer...

The Steve: What the hell... :: Shrugs :: BRADBauer...

Versus: BRADBauer!!!!

Brad Bauer:  This is the most uplifiting Gatorade, I've EVER had!!!  ::takes a sip and admires the glass as he finishes off the drink::  Who's left in OCW anyway? The Draft owned OCW...BRADBauer!!!

Versus: Ed, another Keeferade......Um....Gatorade for Mr. Bauer.

Bauer: Keeferade?

Versus: So you were saying about OCW?....

AA: OCW has AJ Phoenix. You know, AJ has the same amount of stlyists, as the 1993 LA Lakers team. Thats including their trainers.

In Unison: TO AJ PHOENIX!!! (they toast their glasses)

Bauer: AJ Phoenix...AJ Phoenix's hair is so strong, it once made Adrian Bold tap out in a dark match.

In Unison: TO AJ PHOENIX!!! (they toast their glasses)

Steve: I heard that if you shave his beard, and drop the shavings on the ground.  20 years later, a baby will be born in that exact spot, with 3 extra teeth, and 2 extra penises.

In Unison: TO AJ PHOENIX!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: His hair is made of alien fabric, that, if you touch it, your hand will fall off.  A new one will grow to replace it, made up of perfectly smooth blonde hair.

In Unison: TO AJ PHOENIX!!! (they toast their glasses)

AA: I heard Edgar Allen Poe dug himself out of his grave to read one of Shawman's poems.  After reading it, he walked to Shawmans house, and slapped him in the face.

In Unison: TO JACK SHAWMAN!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Steve: He wears sunglasses to the ring, because he's so mean, he makes grown men cry just by looking at them.  Then he rapes them.

In Unison: TO JACK SHAWMAN!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Bauer: Jack Shawman, Why I once heard that Shawman did a diving headbutt into the grand canyon onto a next of Eagles.

In Unison: TO JACK SHAWMAN!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: He only goes to church to challenge priests to fights.

In Unison: TO JACK SHAWMAN!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Steve: I once punched a crosswalk guard in the vagina for no reason! 

::Everyone pauses and looks at The Steve.  The Steve looks back momentarily, then looks at his watch::

Steve: Oh shit, The Steve has a match.  Wow, those keeferades are doin a number on The Steve! 

Versus: Dude, I didn't know you had a Keeferade. 

Steve: Ed made one up for The Steve. The Steve likes shiney things, what can The Steve say?  The Steve will be back after The Steve's match.

Versus: You gonna be alrigh...ok, talk to you when you get back.



_____________STEVE'S MATCH/THEN BACK AT THE BAR___________________


Bauer: And that's what I think of Gabe Richards.  If you don't like Gabe Richards, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.  That means there's something wrong with Gabe Richards!!  Brabbauer!

::Just the The Steve walks in::

Steve: FINALLY...eh, whatever.  Give The Steve another one of those special Gatorades.

Bauer: ME TOO!

AA: You're an animal!  Just don't piss your bed tonight.

Bauer: I'll piss YOUR bed.

AA/Vs/Teh Steve: WHA?!

Versus: You know, I was just thinking...

AA: HOOKERS?!!  ME TOO!!

Versus: Hookers?  Naah, this is Vs bar, the women here don't make you pay for sex.

AA: What's the piont of having it then?

Versus: Free Chinese food after!

AA: Sweet!

AA: You know, I was just thinkin of that time Seth Irving won the a gold medal in the 1992 figure skating championship dressed up as Mary Lou Retton. He also he posed for playboy later that year. You couldn't tell the difference.

In Unison: TO SETH IRVING!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: The first time his parents saw him, he was in an incubator, bench pressing the nurse.

In Unison: TO SETH IRVING!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Steve: He wakes up every day and eats a raw egg.  A kimodo dragon egg!

In Unison: TO SETH IRVING!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Bauer: You know Seth Irving once saved New York City from Terrorists. Then a few years later he stopped terrorists from Hijacking several planes....and then He ran through New York City difusing bombs with Samuel L. Jackson. And then several years later, he crashed an F13 Jet with a bridge....

Double A: THAT WAS DIE HARD YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

In Unison: TO SETH IRVING!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Bauer: Bauer: One time, my dog caught me whacking off to a copy of the Xerox Diva's calender.

Double A: Xerox doesn't have any divas....

The Steve: Bauer...were you whacking off to a bunch of dudes?

Bauer: They were Divas...Divas damn it...BRADBauer!!!

::Bar gets awkwardly silent until Ed yells out "BRADBAUER!"  The whole bar stares at Versus and Ed::

Versus: What can I say, the old man's a freak.

::At this point in the promo, all of the men are intoxicated in one way or another::

Steve: Speakin of freaks!  What do you think about that Dean O'Whores.  I heard, he once visited the white house, and got the Washington Monument's name officially changed to Deano Horse for 2 weeks.  Sadly, there was a misspelling, and it was named The Washington Monument.

In Unison: TO DEANO HORSE!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Bauer: Deano Horse wears pink to camouflage his vagina!

In Unison: TO DEANO HORSE!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: Deano learned his wrestling technique from Laverne from Laverne and Shirley.  That's where he got his fashion sense too!

In Unison: TO DEANO HORSE!!!! (they toast their glasses)

AA: Deano once impregnated an actual horse by after a huge sneeze, from 3 states away!

In Unison: TO DEANO HORSE!!!! (they toast their glasses)

AA: I once drank so much Vodka that I went out and shaved the heads of 20 children when they were sleeping to make a werewolf costume.  I was 3 heads of hair shy, and got busted for indecent exposure.

In Unison: TO GUY FAUSTO!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Steve: Did you know that every time Guy Fausto orders a pizza, his first topping request is redemption.

In Unison: TO GUY FAUSTO!!!! (they toast their glasses)

AA: Guy Fausto tried out for dancing with the stars. Unfortunately he didnt make the cut after the judges told him he couldnt do multiple lionsaults to gain points.  So he chinlocked the judges and won by default!

In Unison: TO GUY FAUSTO!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Bauer: Guy fausto once jumped on stage during a stand up comedy routine and slapped the chinlock on the comic because he wasn't making him laugh.  That comics name was Jesus!

In Unison: TO GUY FAUSTO!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: Guy Fausto never has to use a condom, because his sperm are so depressed, they die before they make the egg!

In Unison: TO GUY FAUSTO!!!! (they toast their glasses)

AA: This Greatful Dead Herpe medicine is incredible!!  THERE'S NO ITCHING!!! 

Bauer: Who said that?!

AA: What?

Bauer: About Vega!

AA: WHAT?!

Steve: Seriously, WHAT?!

Bauer: ::Looking off into the distance:: Vega is so dangerous, he once took over a city located in Nevada using a bottle of Dr. Pepper and a shoestring, and then named it after himself. He calls it Las VEGA's.

In Unison: TO VEGA!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Steve: He chooses his attire colors, based on the favorite colors of his latest "victims".

In Unison: TO VEGA!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: Vega once one the X games bmx freestyle competition, using a tricycle!

In Unison: TO VEGA!!!! (they toast their glasses)

AA: Rumor has it, Vega’s made his mask out of 4 of the midgets from “Wizard of Oz."

In Unison: TO VEGA!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: I once tossed Barbara Walters' salad to borrow a lighter to spark a joint.

::AA spits up his drink, The Steve stops breakin up weed on his title, and BB doesn't even care anymore::

Versus: WHAT?!  Desperate times call for desperate measures!  Speakin of desperate, how about OCW?!

Bauer: (from out of nowhere) These trees are nice.

AA: I don't think even Nate Ortiz himself can save em. 

Bauer: Did you know, Nate Ortiz wasn't born with an ambilical cord. He was born with a championship title instead. His father had to use a pair of bolt cutters and welder's shears to free him from his mother's womb.


In Unison: TO NATE ORTIZ!!!! (they toast their glasses)

AA: Paul Bunyan had a bully while growing up. That bully was NATE ORTIZ!

In Unison: TO NATE ORTIZ!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Steve: I once saw Nate Ortiz lasoo a tornado and wrestle it to the ground.  The sun counted to 3 and made it official.

In Unison: TO NATE ORTIZ!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: The twinkle in Nate Ortiz's eye, that will eventually become his son, is already ranked 132 in Smackdown Vs. Raw 2007 online.

Vs/AA/Steve: TO NATE ORTIZ!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Bauer: TO NATHAN GAINES!!!! (holds his glass up then without a pause, drinks the rest of his Keeferade)

AA: I heard Nathan Gaines once made a sandwich cry.

In Unison: TO NATHAN GAINES!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Bauer: Man, Nathan Gaines is so Over, he has to wrestle his opponent from underneath the ring in order to share the spotlight.

In Unison: TO NATHAN GAINES!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Versus: The movie, The Notebook is based on a summertime fling Nathan Gaines had when he was 13.

In Unison: TO NATHAN GAINES!!!! (they toast their glasses)

Steve: When Nathan Gaines was in kindergarten, he won a spelling bee for grades 1-5...in Malaysia!

Vs/AA/Steve: TO NATHAN GAINES!!!! (they toast their glasses)

::Bauer is staring at his hand, waving it around::

Bauer: You guys ever look at your hand?

AA: Of course we've looked at our hand, stupid.

Bauer: NO, NO!  I mean, REAAAALLLLLY look at your hand!

::Ed nods at Versus::

Versus: Ohhhh, right.  Yeah, you might wanna bring him home.  The next thing he'll be doin is telling everyone how much he really loves them.  And that "We just don't get it!"

AA: Yeah, at least he lasted this long.  He's never smoked before.

Versus: Still hasn't.

Bauer: BRADBAUER!!!!

AA: I'ma get him back to the lockerroom.  I got a $45 date tonight. 

Versus: $45 date?  You takin her to....

AA: TAKING HER?!  AHAHA!  DO YOU MEAN...OUT?!?!  AHAHAHAHAH!!! 

::AA helps Brad to his feet while he still laughs about Versus question, and begins to walk to the door::

Bauer: I hate you Double A.

AA: (looks at Versus with a confused look) I thought you said he'd be loving.

Versus: If you got hate in your heart....

Bauer: LET IT OUT!!! BRADBAUER!!!!

Versus: I'll catch you two later.

::AA and Brad Bauer leave the bar::

Versus: (looks at The Steve) Why are you still here again?

Steve: Because the free weed hasn't run out yet.

::Versus looks next to Steve and notices a giant pile of rolled joints stacked up to the top of the barstool.::

Versus: Dude.  Seriously?

Steve: You told The Steve that The Steve could smoke for free.

Versus: I didn't say he could prepare for hibernation!  Grab a handfull or two and get out of here.  I need to clean up.

Steve: The Steve will take what he pleases!  (Steve takes his shirt off, ties up the arms and neck, and begins to scoop up dozens of joints into his newly formed shirt bag)  The Steve will just take these and get going.  Good day sir.

::The Steve walks out of the bar dropping the occasional joint from his joint stuffed shirt::

Versus: Damn Ed, this place got busy!

Ed: It's a good grand opening.  It looks nicer too!  Ya done well Versus.

Versus: Meh, it's a start you know.  (Looks at the camera)  Ladies and gentlemen of CCW, I hope you enjoyed this edition of the Versus Bar.  In it's new home, CCW.   Be prepared for the unexpected, because I have a feeling it's gonna be a long ride.  A long, slow ride.  Catch you guys on the next, Versus Bar.